Thursday, Oct. 25, 2007 - 1:22 p.m.
Bleck! I am getting that feeling again.
I am a fairly open person. I don't sugarcoat things, or pretend things are fine when they are not. I am who I am, and that is pretty much it.
Years ago, I was treated for depression (in the mid 90's). My Dad is bi-polar, and depression can be genetic. Although I have not been on medications for almost 12 years, I can just feel that my "seasonal depression" is going to be tough to fight this winter.
I am hoping that I am wrong, but I don't know. I am weepy. (Although not crying, just kinda weepy). Days are blurring together, and I can not focus on anything anymore.
I know I am setting myself up for a HUGE fall romantically, either from allowing myself to become interested in the wrong type of person (AGAIN) or from refusing to act on feelings for the right type of person.
I do not want to go back on anti-depressants. I do not like being an emotional zombie. I want to be normal. I want to be able to sleep at night. I want to be able to look at myself and not basically hate everything. I want to stop assuming that I will be rejected.
I hope that I am wrong. I hope that I maybe this is just an emotional bad patch.
I was talking to a (male) friend the other day about women with "daddy issues." I told him about my situation, and his whole face changed. Like he felt bad about joking about it. He assumed I had a normal upbringing. No matter what I try to convince myself, it hurts that my own father wants nothing to do with me. I don't call him because I know he would have nothing to say to me.
I hate that I have spent 20 years protecting myself from being hurt (by men) and have ended up isolating myself to the point of no longer being able to be loved by anyone. I hate being so insecure that I can only feel comfortable in loving from a distance. I have realized that I no longer know HOW to let someone love me.
How pathetic is it that?
OKINAWA
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