Friday, Aug. 26, 2005 - 2:50 p.m.
Okay, so 10 years ago I was planning my wedding. (And okay, five years ago I was planning a divorce, but I digress...). On the day I got married, the church had booked:
an AA meeting at 10:00 and
my wedding at 11:00. As I arrived at the church at 10:30, a drunk man from said AA meeting shouted out to me
"Someday, I hope to be like you." I ALMOST turned to him and said "Let me know if you want the dress because I am only going to wear it once."
But I just smiled and said "Thanks" or something like that.
I wonder why it is that people think that marriage is a sign of everything being "happy and stable" or whatever. I doubt I will ever marry again. I am not secure enough, as a person, to be married. I need to be able to run when in a panic, and can not do that while legally tied to someone. I know how pathetic this sounds, I really do.
In fact, the fastest way to make me "run for the hills" in a relationship is to let me know you love me. (I once threw up when someone referred to me as his "girlfriend." I know--sad but true).
I was talking to my ex-husband the other night about my Dad -- the same Dad that I have talked to three times in 12 years, the last time being in 1996 or 1997. Anyway--exhubby thinks that I will always struggle with love because the "one man who is supposed to love me unconditionally" doesn't. Maybe he does "love" me, but he doesn't "like" me enough to have contact. I find comfort in rejection, because that is what I know.
Love is something that can be taken away. Once I know someone loves me, I fear them taking it away. I truly envy people who have Dads that love them, and who are able to love without fear.
TTFN
OKINAWA
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