Monday, Apr. 29, 2002 - 7:54 p.m.
That is the number of people in the �depressed� diaryring. There is no specific diaryring for �happy.� You would think that depressed people would be too depressed to write, and that happy people would be overjoyed to tell the world how happy they are to be alive and writing in a online journal. I feel a migraine coming on, which may be why I have been moody. I haven�t had a migraine in a few months, and this may be the beginnings of one. I used to get them at least twice a month, but I have been very lucky this year. I hope my depression is just the beginning of a headache. Not a headache, a migraine. Big difference. People who have never had a migraine have no idea what they are like. AT LEAST THE CATS ARE ENJOYING THEMSELVES The cats are really enjoying themselves. They are wrestling on the floor and chasing each other around. I was thinking yesterday how much people can learn from animals. They truly do love unconditionally. They never hesitate to show you how they feel about you. When they are snuggly, they do not talk themselves out of being snuggly. They just walk up to you and sit right down next to you (or on your lap) and enjoy your company. They do not hold grudges or remind you of all of the mistakes you have made. They start every day new, and still get excited whenever you come home. I wish I could express myself that way. I wish I did not hold everything back. It is like on that show �Animal Precinct� where the abused dogs still wag their tales when they see people. They love you simply because you are you, and that you take care of them. They don�t gripe about your cooking and they are always willing to do something with you. This is a rare trait in life. I do not know which is harder--to give unconditional love, or to receive it. Receiving it would be difficult because you run the risk of someday having it taken away. Giving it would be difficult because you run the risk of having it rejected. Nice people do finish last. This is why I am not known as the �nice one.� I have programmed myself to always strive to come in first, no matter what the cost. I do not know how to let someone �take care� of me in the sense that I do not trust people enough to give them the blind faith that they will actually do what they say they will do. This is pathetic. I know this. Just like that �Simon and Garfunkle� song I am a rock, I am an island. Because a rock feels no pain, and an island never cries. I have trained myself not to be vulnerable anymore. REPERCUSSIONS For years I struggled with anorexia. Mostly in high school. I enjoyed starving myself. I loved the control of it all. It was the only thing I felt I had �control� over. I know I am getting back to that point. I am back on diet pills and feel guilty about eating. I know this is terrible, but I feel as though so many things are out of control that this is the one thing I can manipulate. At least I am aware of it this time, and I am not going to let myself fall into this pit. It is better than binging though, which I have done. Binging only makes you fat. You always get a lot of attention when you lose weight. No one ever congratulates you when you gain 20 pounds, but lose 20 and you would think that you invented fat free brownies or something. I want to know that I am single for reasons other than my weight. Please don�t send me e-mail talking about the evils of starvation--I know what they are. I am doing what I can not to do that to myself. I am just mentioning it because I am beginning to see what I am starting to do, and be aware enough not to do it again. I know that I am not overweight technically, but I am not underweight either. Believe me, I could live on my reserves for years. TTFN
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