California Rantings

Saturday, Apr. 27, 2002 - 8:49 p.m.

MY GOODNESS, I BUY A BOOK ON HTML AND SUDDENLY I WRITE FIVE ENTRIES A DAY!

I am so moody these days. I haven�t been this moody since I was a teenager. I will be feeling fine and positive one moment, then sad and despondent the next. I am not sure why. I sometimes feel as though I do not quite fit in where I should. I am feeling as though I am afraid of what the future holds, yet afraid to let go of the past. I have no will power--regardless of what I am trying to use my will against. One of the reasons I never started smoking and drinking is that I know that I would never be able to give them up. Like gambling--I am just lucky that Reno is snowed in for so many months a year, or I would probably be there every weekend.

One moment I will be happy that I am single, then the next moment I fear dying alone. Ten minutes later I am happy to be self sufficient, then my mood will swing back to wondering why I have struggled my entire life with men and relationships. It is as though �I love you, I am just not in love with you� is my life motto.

I feel as though I live a double life. I am seen as being out going and aggressive, yet inside I am quite, shy and insecure. I think that is why I prefer to be alone sometimes. It is a constant trouble I have. I will give my number to someone, and then be bothered when they call. I think that I see relationships as challenges, and once the challenge is gone, my interest fades. I read somewhere that within all relationships there is always one person who is �more in love� than the other. I am only happy when I am the one who is �more in love� because it creates the challenge of seducing the other person to love me back.

I was thinking today about when I first met my ex. I had just gotten out of a bad relationship, and refused to fall again so soon. For two weeks I tried to convince myself that it was just a fling, and refused to get emotionally involved. Six months later we were married. Almost a decade later I am the one who is more in love than he is. Watch what you wish for.

ON A DIFFERENT NOTE

I met my new cousin for the first time today. Less than 24 hours old. It is hard to believe how big he is. He is very cute. I am still shocked that they can home from the hospital so soon. I can remember when women stayed in the hospital for a week after giving birth--now, less than 24 hours later everyone is home. I think I would prefer the week of hospital life, just to recover and have �medical advice� just a button click away.

Gotta go, the 500th episode of cops is going to start in a few��.

TTFN

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