Thursday, Apr. 25, 2002 - 7:46 p.m.
Thursday, Apr. 25, 2002 - 11:13 a.m.
PART 2 UPDATED AT 7:40 P.M.
Ahhhh, Thursday morning. Only a few more hours until the weekend!!
PACK RATISM
I am a pack rat. A terrible one. I have clothes, and papers and junk that go back to Junior High school. As is true with most pack rats, I am a disorganized one. Even if I had to have something from high school, I would have no idea where in the world it would be. Just having it is enough--being able to access it is another. It is strange how the little �things� in life mean a lot.
I have been trying to clean everything up in my apartment. I only have so much room, and too much stuff. I am the queen of buying the same thing over and over again (like lotion, facial masks, cleaning supplies). I was cleaning out my bathroom drawers, and found a small sample of the cologne my ex used to wear. It has been there for years. I never really noticed it before, but suddenly I found it, and could not throw it out. It was strange. I put it back in the drawer, and decided to leave it there. I have no use for it, other than the reminder that someone once loved me, and once lived with me, and once cared how he smelled around me.
I do have a box with all of his letter and photos and things like that, but I have to go out of my way to get them, and now I have a reminder in my bathroom, to remind me of an undying love that once was, and is now on a different level. I wonder how many men how little reminders of me hidden somewhere. Not many I am sure. I tend to throw out everything when a relationship ends, but not this time. This time I have everything, or close to everything.
When he calls later today, I will have to tell him I found it, and that I will keep it here for him for the next time he comes out to visit. I know he has some of my things, because that is what happens when you get divorced. I am just glad that this little reminder made me smile, and not cry. A little bit of happiness as a memory, which, as you can tell by my past entries, is a small miracle.
I read a true story once about a man that kept the �Dear John� letter that the love of his life had written to him in his wallet for 60 years. Her father made her marry someone else because he had money and it was the depression. He tracked her down when they were in their 80�s and they ended up getting married. I think that love is so difficult to define. I used to think that love meant being with someone everyday, and living together and now I see love differently. Love is something that really can not be defined. It is unique to everyone. Some people would see the old man as crazy for holding onto this letter for so long, but I understand it. It was a reminder that there once was a time that someone loved you more than anyone else on the planet.
PART 2
MY REOCCURING NIGHTMARE
The only thing I have left to do to complete my PhD is finish my thesis. I took a year off to get my life in order after my divorce, and I am now in the midst of writing �the book.� I am what you call PhD abd (All But Dissertation). It is something I know I have to finish, and it bothers me that I haven�t finished, but life happens and priorities change.
I have this reoccurring nightmare. It is never quite the same, but the theme is always identical. I dream that I am back in school (sometimes undergrad, sometimes postgrad). I walk into a classroom, and it has occurred to me that it is the day of the final, and I realize that not only have I not shown up all semester, but that I have not done any of the assignments and I am unprepared for the final. I can feel the failure surround me, and it is terrible. I usually wake up in a complete panic, and it takes a few seconds for me to realize that it was just a dream.
I know this have to do with my feelings of abandonment toward my project. I am generally motivated by failure. Specifically my own failures. I wish I could say that I was a confident person, but I am not, and tend to relive my failures to motivate me to improve myself.
Back to the dream---I had this dream last night. The undergrad version. I think I need to sit down and settle myself and decide what I want out of my life. I am the type of person who overly succeeds in one part of my life, why the other parts of my life are in the toilet. For example--when I am really in love, I tend to have a crappy job. When I am focused on my degree, my social life suffers. When I have a great job and good money, I tend to have no social life and nightmares like the ones mentioned above. I have not yet learned how have balance in my life. It is the bad side effect of being the type of person who has to throw themselves totally into the current situation.
Maybe balance is one of those things that no one truly has, but fakes having all the time. Like happy relationships and orgasms. (Just kidding).
HOW I AM FIGHTING OLD AGE
I have changed my beauty pattern. Gone are the days of wash and wear, I have officially progress to �full maintenance.� When I was on vacation, I bought some very expensive skin care products because I really liked the way my skin felt after the sample, and that is what you do when you are on vacation. I am designing a routine that takes about as much of my time as my day job.
First, my teeth. I have gone back to brushing them with Baking Soda, which tastes like death, but really does whiten the teeth. I have to brush them with Baking Soda for ten minuets every other day. In addition to cleaning my face, I am back on the �exfoliating� wagon. I also went out and bought a 54 ounce water bottle, so I know that after I drink two then I should be okay with my water intake.
Growing old not old takes up a lot of time, but it also takes up big chunks of money. The sad day is--one day my goal will be for me to look �30� and I will remember back to these days and wonder why I didn�t appreciate it at the time. Just like when I didn�t appreciate being a size 2 when I was one. My goal--to get carded just one more time!
TTFN
OKINAWA
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