California Rantings

Tuesday, Apr. 09, 2002 - 9:16 a.m.

MY DAILY INSANITY

I am feeling much better than I was last night. One of the good things about this diary is that I can track my moods and look for the triggers. I am trying to come to terms with my past, and work to live with them, and not become a slave to them. I need to focus on the future, not the past.

DATE MAN

Things just keep getting worse on this front. I have decided that I am not going to waste any more time, effort or thought on this person. I had considered not going to an important event because he would probably be there, and I did not want to deal with him and possibly cause a scene. I can either:

1) Bring a date

2) Not go

3) Make a brief appearance and dodge him

I hate the fact that I have to make a decision like that. It is terrible that someone can have such an effect on a situation simply because they can not take �No� for an answer. I refuse to live like this. Why should I feel guilty about not wanting to go out with someone? Just because we have mutual friends does not mean that I should let him effect my life. I tend not to run from confrontation, except when it can hurt the innocent people around me, but this time I have decided not to care. I think one of the terrible things about being a relationship junkie is that I know what it is like for someone not to be interested in me, and I would not want to make anyone feel this way, but I can not be responsible for anyone else�s feelings, and I will not walk on eggshells because of it.

SELF CONFIDENCE (or the lack thereof)

I used to be confident. I am not sure when I lost it, or why, but it is pretty much gone now. On paper, I should be very confident. I am college educated (too many degrees really), have a kick ass job, make excellent money, and am a world traveler. I was a model when I was younger, and am not bad looking (except for the extra 20 pounds). Yet, I doubt myself so much. I can really fake being confident when I need to, yet I tend to question myself a lot. It is so strange. I am not sure what happened or when, but it is like I woke up one morning and didn�t have any confidence.

POSITIVE THINKING

I have to take charge of myself and what I think about myself. Not the fake confidence that I usually have, but real confidence. I need to stop creating crisis and chaos. Just because it makes me feel comfortable to be stressed does not mean that I need to create it. I think that a life without so much drama might be a very nice change.

It is similar to "no one will love you until you love yourself" kind of thing, only not as touchy feely as that. I need to focus on positive things about myself. Instead of hating my reflection, I need to find something, even something small, to appreciate. If not today, maybe tomorrow.

TTFN

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