Monday, Apr. 08, 2002 - 9:58 p.m.
Every morning, I wake up wondering what in the hell is wrong with me. I hate it. I took a long look at my issues with men and abandonment, and this is what I know:
My Grandfather Died when I was 12
I was very close to my grandfather. We always had a very special bond. I felt closer to him than to my own father, and was devastated when he died.
High School Boyfriend Got someone else pregnant
We were together for seven years, but were living in different towns. I went to visit him during Spring Break and his �pregnant girlfriend� came back from vacation early. He tried to keep the relationship together, but what he did disgusted me to the point where the thought of him made me physically ill.
Dad Left when I was 19
I haven�t spoken to him in almost seven years. He drinks (or used to--I have no idea if he is living or dead at this point). He was the first person to call me fat (when I wasn�t), and the first person who lied to my face constantly.
Love of my Life Divorced, but now my best friend
I have loved him for almost seven years. He doesn�t love me the same way. Of all of the men who have left me, this one hurt the most.
The pattern that I notice is that every man that I have ever loved has left me. Not one stayed around. This is why I struggle with relationships. I have learned over my thirty years that all men eventually leave. Every man I meet I look at in terms of �how long will it be before he screws me over.� Where are the good men who don�t just leave?
I just wonder who will dump me next. I am off to start my crying jag.
OKINAWA
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