Sunday, Feb. 24, 2008 - 8:39 p.m.
I wish I could do things without thinking of the repercussions and consequences. I wish I did not care other peoples feelings. I wish I could live in the moment and not give a flip about the fallout.
But I can't. I am a thinker. I analyze everything to death. I hate to be associated with being the cause of someone else's pain.
I like to be liked, and, despite my gruff exterior, hate the thought of someone thinking negatively about me. Now I know there are people out there who do not like me, which is fine (some with good reason). (I mean hell, a lot of people annoy me, so I assume I am annoying to others).
Anyway...as I touched upon briefly yesterday, I was faced with a strange decision to make. Have sex (or not) with someone that I used to love (yet never did anything about or with), knowing that someone that I am struggling not to fall in love with, would be over a few hours later.
Now "potential crush" and I are friends. I have known him almost a year. A lot of people "in our inner circle" think that he has feelings for me, but is shy and very reserved when it comes to sharing his feelings. BUT this is what other people are saying, and he has not said anything to me about it.
But, sometimes actions speak louder than words. In the past two weeks he has:
1) driven out to my house after he got off of work -- he works odd and long hours, and does not have a lot of spare time (45 mins each way) three times (just to hang out)
2) Called or emailed or texted me almost everyday
3) Talked to me on the phone for three hours last Wed while I cleaned house and he was stuck at home because his roommate borrowed his car
But who in the hell knows. Maybe I am just a fun person to hang out with provides him with a break from boring old hum-drum land. I mean I have my entertaining moments!
Anyway -- anyone who has read this diary at any point over the last SIX years (damn that is a long time) knows that this is sooooo typical for me. I should be able to just ask him how he feels, knowing that no matter what he says, the DYNAMICS of our "relationship" would change. (Could be for the better -- could be for the worst!)
I wish I could have slept with former crush without thinking about how it "could" taint a "relationship" that seems to exist only in my head. But I couldn't. All I could think about was that I would not want to sleep with one person, and then hang out with someone else a few hours later. Granted, potential crush came over, and we watched a movie and hung out for a few hours, and nothing "physical" -- other than a hug -- happened. I have turned down the advances of (no fewer than) FIVE men in the past THREE DAYS because of "potential relationship guy." Granted -- three of them are men he knows, and I do not it to get back to him that I am going out with his friends.
The worst part -- I can't even tell him any of this. I mean how does bring up the topic of "I just wanted you to know that I turned down sex with a hot guy earlier just in case you decide to let me know that you like me?" without sounding desperate and twisted? Or "Hey, three of your friends were all over me at a party but I only had you on my mind, so I said 'No!' just in case you have feelings for me."
Or, even better..."I really would love to sleep with you, but I'll be damned if I didn't already have sex with someone else earlier today??? (I mean how long should one "wait" to sleep with someone else -- I am sure two hours is cutting it a bit close!)
Apparently 36 is the new 14. Maybe if I am lucky he will mysp@ce me during homeroom and we can go to the maltshop after school this week!
TTFN
OKINAWA
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