Friday, Sept. 28, 2007 - 8:58 p.m.
I wish that there was no risk in being genuine. I mean really. Everyone is holding something back. A secret, a truth, a story, a feeling.
I know that without risk, there would be no gain, but I am beginning to struggle with how much risk is too much.
A dear friend told me that when he was in high school he had a huge crush on a classmate. For three years he slowly fell in love with her, and, on graduation day, he wrote in her yearbook how he felt. She called him the next day in TEARS because she had had a crush on him for FOUR years. They had both wasted years protecting themselves from what they thought would be a definite rejection and heartache. They have now been married 15 years.
Whose happiness (other than my own) am I preventing by keeping my emotions, thoughts and feelings to myself? Embarrassment, yes. Closure, yes.
I am a selfish fake.
Song of the moment, by THE USED
Small, simple, safe price.
Rise the wake and carry me with all of my regrets.
This is not a small cut that scabs, and dries, and flakes, and heals.
And I am not afraid to die;
I'm not afraid to bleed and fuck and fight,
I want the pain of payment.
What's left, but a section of pygmy sized cuts.
Much like a slew of a thousand unwanted fucks.
Would you be my little cut?
Would you be my thousand fucks?
And make mark leaving space for the guilt to be liquid.
To fill and spill over and under my thoughts.
My sad, sorry, selfish cry out to the cutter.
I'm cutting trying to picture your black, broken heart.
Love is not like anything,
Especially a fucking knife!
Look at me.
You can tell,
By the way I move and do my hair,
Do you think that it's me?
Or it's not me?
I don't even care.
I'm alive, and i swear
I'm the cleanest I have ever been.
I feel big, I feel tall, I feel dry.
Dry.
Just look at me, look at me now.
I'm a fake, I'm a fake, I'm a fake, I'm a fake.
Just look at me, look at me now.
I'm a fake, I'm a fake, I'm a fake, I'm a fake.
Do I drink?
Do I date?
I've got perfect placements.
On my ink
Satisfied, in your eyes.
I'm the biggest fan I've got right now.
I made sure I looked how I wanted to look.
The people around me,
The people surround me.
I feel big, I feel tall, I feel dry.
Dry.
Just look at me, look at me now.
I'm a fake, I'm a fake, I'm a fake, I'm a fake.
Just look at me, look at me now.
I'm a fake, I'm a fake, I'm a fake, I'm a fake.
Just look at me now.
I'm a fake, I'm a fake.
Just look at me now.
I'm a fake, I'm a fake.
My stomach hurts now,
And I'll tie it off in lace.
I've prayed, begged for anything to hit me in the face.
And this sickness isn't me.
And I pray to fall from grace.
The last thing I see is feeling.
And I'm telling you I'm a fake,
I'm telling you I'm a fake.
I'm telling you I'm a fake.
I'm telling you I'm a fake.
I'm telling you I'm...
Just look at me, look at me now.
I'm a fake, I'm a fake, I'm a fake, I'm a fake.
Just look at me, look at me now.
I'm a fake, I'm a fake, I'm a fake, I'm a fake.
Just look at me now.
I'm a fake, I'm a fake.
Just look at me now.
I'm a fake, I'm a fake.
Fake!
Fake!
Fake!
Genuine fake!!!
OKINAWA
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