Monday, May. 26, 2003 - 1:39 p.m.
The cats and I are enjoying a lzay day today. None of us are working and me are watching the M@SH marathon on TV. Luckily I did not get a response to my drunken e-mail last weekend. As long as I am alive I will never understand most men.
Which is only fair, because, as a woman, I am confusing. I am constantly flip-floping between what I want and what I think I want. For example...I want to have love in my life, yet I do not want to be vulnerable enough to fall in love. It seems like everyone around me is either getting married or having kids. There are days when I am glad that I have my freedom, yet sometimes wish I had someone to come "home to" at night.
I will always wonder why some people get married and stay married (happily) for decades. Are my standards too high, or too low? Do I act out of fear or desperation?
I thought about why I balked on "e-mail boy." Quite frankly, although I know I could have made a real go with him, he lives 7 hours away from me. I need someone here, not a "part-time" relationship whenever he is in town. I am grateful I did not sleep with him knowing now that he would treat women this way.
I wish I could let go of so many things. I understand that everyone comes with baggage, but I seem unable to confront my own demons, let alone someone elses.
I am beginning to fear that I have been on my own so long that I will eventually be unable to be with someone else. I assume the worst about people because I assume the worst about myself. Deep down, I wish I could sever all ties with my ex-husband, but know that his friendship is something I know I can count on. I hate the fact that he knows how to cheer me up, and knows what I need to hear when I need to hear it. I hate that I love him differently than he loves me. I hate that he knows me on a deeper level than anyone else.
I know you are supposed to hate the people you divorce. Hatred is so much easier to deal with. People who get along and love each other should stay married, not get divorced and be best friends. I need something normal in my life. The hard part is, I have no clue what "normal is." I am not sure if I fall more in love with "being in love" or with the people I love.
I seem to want only the people who are not interested in me. I live for the challenge, but do not know what to do once I "have" them. "E-mail boy" is an excellent example. When I knew he wanted me, I faltered, and immediately wanted him once I knew he was ignoring me. But not until that moment. I was perfectly content during the year I had no contact with my ex-husband. It wasn't until I knew he no longer "loved me" that I became heartbroken.
I could meet the perfect man tomorrow, and would somehow find a way to sabotage it.n I need chaos. I need a challenge. I need help.
TTFN
OKINAWA
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