California Rantings

Thursday, Jan. 16, 2003 - 9:21 a.m.

THIS IS THE BEGINNING OF MY ARCHIVES. ALL OF MY ENTRIES ARE ON THIS PAGE. I DID NOT CHANGE THEM PROPERLY, SO START AT THE BOTTOM OF THE PAGE AND WORK YOUR WAY UP. SORRY :-)

THE END OF THE ARCHIVES

ONCE AGAIN I AM CHANGING MY MIND...

about going to court. I found out what he was charged with, and am no longer really wanting to see him. Apparently he is no longer the person I knew from so many years ago. He is charged with:

Felony Burglary (was dropped down to misdemeanor)

Four counts of (forced) oral copulation

Spousal abuse.

There were four other charges from November, but I didn't ask about them. Now I have to decide if I want to remember him as the person that I loved for seven years, or as the accused rapist / wife abuser that he is accused of being. Granted people are innocent until proven guily, but just the accusation is terrible. The sad thing is that he was never violent during our relationship. Not once. Granted we argued, but he never laid a hand on my in anger. Apparently something has changed in him since 1995.

Since my original reason for going was to find out what he had done, now I am just sick to my stomach to think of him this way. Granted things ended for us in a terrible way, but it just doesn't seem like him. This is just sad. Pathetic and sad. He is going to be in court on the 29th.

Bleck!

TTFN

Wednesday, Jan. 15, 2003 - 11:01 a.m.

WEDNESDAY MORNING�

It is already mid-week and I feel like I have accomplished nothing. I am working 16 hour days AGAIN, and am beginning to show signs of burnout. The sad thing is that I still have my paycheck from the first, sitting here, waiting for me to go to the bank. Tomorrow is another payday, so I will definitely have to go to the bank this week. I have not been to the grocery store in three weeks, and I have three weeks of laundry to do. My schedule for the rest of the week:

Today: Office work until 4:00--Teaching a training class from 5:30-9:30

Thursday: Three appointments in Sacramento will leave house at 7:00 a.m. get home about 11:00 p.m.

Friday: Appointments until 3:00 and a meeting from 4:00-8:00ish

Saturday: Training from 3:00-8:00 p.m.

I sometimes envy people who have set jobs with set hours. People who know that their day begins and ends at a specific time and who never work weekends.

Being an adult sucks.

I rescheduled a meeting to make it to my evil exboyfriends court date. The first one is not until the 29th of January. I will be at the courthouse in the morning for something else, but will be back in the afternoon. I may chicken out and simply read the docket to see what he has been charged with. I can not believe that I have not had any contact with him in 8 years. Considering we were together for seven years, it seems like a lifetime ago. I think the worst thing about our breakup was that had he been honest and told me about his �other girlfriend� we probably would have been able to part amicably. Seven years is a long time to love someone. And love can quickly turn to pure hatred in a matter of moments.

A friend of mine is getting divorced and she was telling me that she was trying to remember the last moment that she thought she had a good marriage. It is easy to know when a marriage turns sour is something specific happens (an affair, abuse, etc.) but it is not always clear when the �everything is good� part ends, and the �beginning of the end� starts. Although she knew when her marriage was good �in general� she could not remember the last time she was excited �to be married.�

I don�t think that marriages are meant to be �exciting� but I do know that �romance� and �wooing� seem to be the first to go.

TTFN

Tuesday, Jan. 14, 2003 - 11:17 a.m.

MY GOD WORK IS ALREADY BORING AS ALL HELL...

and it is only Tuesday morning. If I couldn't listen to music at work all day I would go insane. At least that helps to pass the time.

I saw on the news this morning that the GUARDIAN ANGELS were going to come to Oakland, California to help cut down on crime. My God, what a terrible job. Nothing but a cell phone to fight crime in downtown Oakland. No thanks. Even with a police escort I would not go into downtown Oakland at night. I do hope that they do something soon though. I was supposed to go to Oakland on Friday night, and we switched it to Alameda because, well, it is Oakland, on a Friday night, in the rain.

I am off to lunch.

PART 2

I have to go to Tennessee in March on a business trip. Usually my mother and I go, stay a few extra days and try to make it a mini-vacation. This year, to placate my step-fathers ego, she asked him if he wanted to fly in on the "extra days." He said no. Okay, no problem. I go to book the airfare, and just as I am about to click PURCHASE, he calls whining about how he never gets to go anywhere or do anything fun. Fine then, just us for the extra days (BLECK) to which he responded "No!" I wait ten mins (because I know him all to well) and he says "Well, I guess I could." FUCK!!!!

Luckily I did not buy my airfare yet and eliminated the extra days. So much for the mini-vacation.

I vowed never to go on vacation with him again after spending 10 days in London with him whining 24/7 about everything (the food, the bars closing at 11:00, the cold, the expensive theater).

The downside being that now my mother feels bad that I canceled everything on my part. Normally I could just ignore him for the three days, but I know that irritates my mother, so now I just avoid him.

TTFN

Saturday, Jan. 11, 2003 - 6:19 p.m.

I am linus

Which Peanuts Character Are You Quiz

I am going to go to court to see what the evil-ex is going on trial for.

WELCOME HOME JOEYPEA!!!!

TTFN

Saturday, Jan. 04, 2003 - 6:03 p.m.

My Mother and I went to see the movie ABOUT SCHMIDT today. Very good movie. Not at all what I expected. It was very well done. I actually came home and thought about it for an hour after I got home. I am going to see if the library has a copy of the book.

It made me think about the fact that my father was not at my wedding. I told him that if he could not show up sober not to show up at all. I have only talked to him twice since 1995. Both times he had called to ask me to send him money. The sad thing is, I don't even know if he is alive. He could be remarried with other kids. I may never know. I will say that my Dad taught me is that unconditional love usually does have "conditions" of some sort.

I think I cling to my exh because I want at least ONE relationship (with a male) in my life not to be a complete and total disaster.

TTFN

Friday, Jan. 03, 2003 - 8:24 p.m.

I decided not to take the cowards way out. I sent him a text message telling him that I had noticed a change in his treatment of me and that I was willing to back off if he was no longer happy. He called me back and we talked for an hour. Although things are better, they will never be the same. I think we are both falling victim to taking each other for granted. Something that ruined our marriage.

I take for granted that he has always been there, and he takes for granted that I will always take care of problems. I live too much in the past and he only lives for the moment.

I wish I could meet someone who could make me feel the way that he used to make me feel. Not so much because I want to fall in love, but because I want to know that I am still able to fall in love. I am so afraid of getting hurt that I prevent myself from trying.

I wish matters of the heart we not this painful. Even though I was the plaintiff in our divorce, I must come to terms with the fact that I was dumped.

TTFN

Friday, Jan. 03, 2003 - 12:26 p.m.

I sent the exh a text message about some information that he "had to have today" and he ignored the message. I hate that. He called me Wednesday and told me he was not feeling well and was going to go to sleep. I called him five mins later to give him a message from his mother, and he was talking on the other line. If he didn't want to talk to me, fine, but don't LIE about not feeling well to get me off the phone. I think I will have to turn my phone off this weekend and try to break myself of the habit of daily contact.

I think I have been living in a fantasy world. The world where we can be "divorced and friends." He needs to understand that just because we have been through a lot together and know each other so well that he can treat me anyway he wants I will still be here for him.

You would think that this would be an easy thing to do considering we have not been a couple since 1999, but it is hard to break a seven year habit.

I need to stand on my own two feet and live my live apart from him. He does live on the other side of the country, so it should be easy, shouldn't it?

This sucks.

TTFN

Thursday, Jan. 02, 2003 - 8:59 p.m.

My exh and I have been arguing lately. I am not sure why. Ever since he went back home last month he has been on edge. I think he is stressed out at work. He has been sick and that is making him more cranky. I know that people, especially DIVORCED people often fight. We never really did. Occasional blow-outs that never lasted more than a day, but we never really were arguers.

The strange part is that we are not really arguing about anything specific, we are just not being very nice to each other. The sad part of this is the realization that I will probably not ever be able to be completely without him in my life.

I think we are both too afraid to let go of each other completely. We know each other too well.

I think that maybe being here, back in "the household" may have hit a little too close to home for him. I bought a house without him, and went on with my life without him, and I think that he doesn't know what to think about it.

I wish I had the backbone to just ask him the questions that have been on my mind, but things between us is so strained already that I do not want to tread into that territory out of the fear that it could be the beginning of the end.

I don't know if we are growing older and changing, or if we are growing apart. There is a part of me that wants to just turn my phone ringer off and cut off contact, and there is another part that knows how much that would hurt. The problem with letting people get close to you is that eventually you have to make decisions like this.

If only I could just turn my emotions off like a lightswitch, but I can't. If only I could act like an ex-wife and curse his name, but I can't.

TTFN

Thursday, Jan. 02, 2003 - 7:54 p.m.

I SPENT YESTERDAY...

cleaning house and watching "I LOVE THE 80's" on VH1. I graduated from high school in 1989, and it amazed me how much of my youth I had forgotten. Songs, TV shows, fashion and things like that. I found a few pictures of me from HS with the big (aqua net) hair and HUGE sweaters. At the time I thought I looked great, and how I just roll my eyes. Just like my Mother did every time I left the house.

Gone are the days when paychecks did not go to bills. Gone are the days of spending hours at the mall for fun. Gone are the days of summers off. Although I do miss a few of these things, I would never want to be a teenager again. The friends I thought I could never do without and people that are little more that Christmas card people now. It is hard to believe that some of my friends have kids that are 10, 11 and 12 years old.

My grandmother just went to her 60 year HS reunion (we went to the same HS) and there are only 12 people who are still alive.

Time passes by so quickly when it seems to be standing still. It also occured to me that is I had stayed with my evil ex, we would be going on 15 years. Bleck--that is enough to give me nightmares.

TTFN

Wednesday, Jan. 01, 2003 - 7:03 p.m.

AND THUS BEGINS A NEW YEAR...

and thus begins the end of my vacation. Tomorrow is back to work day. Which is good and bad. A workaholic going back to work can be both good and bad. I do have a new computer at work though, so that is a good thing.

In my attempt to get more organized in the new year, I cleaned out all of my closets and organized everything. I have way too many clothes that I do not wear anymore, but do not have the heart to throw out. Lots of t-shirts that I know no one else would like to have, so nothing worth donating. At least now everything is clean and folded and organized. I only have one desktop (loaded with paperwork) left to organize (other than my garage), so things are beginning to shape up.

So far 2003 has been pretty good. Although that answer may be different tomorrow. We shall see.

TTFN

Tuesday, Dec. 31, 2002 - 4:27 p.m.

I AM SICK AND STAYING HOME TONIGHT�

not that I had big plans anyway. I tried something new today, I tried to smile with everyone that I can in eye contact with. Most people smiled back. I tend to look at the ground when walking and not really making eye contact with people. I am not sure why. Insecurity mostly.

I am also trying to always say �Please� and �Thank You� when dealing with people in the service industry (like food service people, retail clerks, etc.) �Please and Thank You� are not just words. They can really make a person feel important and appreciated. I was thinking about this while I was in line at W@lmart today. I had to pick up a few �last moment tax write-offs� and noticed how cranky people were. Complaining to the retail clerks that they were not fast enough and that there was not enough Christmas items on sale, things like that. I never could understand why anyone would believe that screaming and yelling at someone will make them want to help you.

For example, the first line that I was in had three people in front of me. There was a problem with the register ringing up the wrong price on a sale item and they needed a manager to over-ring it. The lady in front of me was screaming

�IF SOMEONE KNEW THEIR DAMN JOB, WE WOULD NOT HAVE TO STAND HERE WASTING TIME.�

Okay, the two moments it took to fix the computer did not kill anyone, so no big deal. Cranky women puts her items on the belt, and just as she took the last item out of her cart, an assistant manager took me out of the line to a new register. Cranky woman screams

�Oh no, she is not going before me. Hell no. What kind of person are you to just cut in line like that.�

Although I could not hear what else she was mumbling, I did hear her tell the clerk that he should give her a 50% discount on her ENTIRE purchase because of everything they put her through. All the poor clerk could say was �I can�t do that� and �I can get the manger for you.� She yelled all the way out the door. Had I been that clerk, I wouldn�t have done anything for her either.

When I was a waitress (years ago) I always remembered the people that were nice to me, and did not talk to me like I was an idiot. I was always amazed at how poorly people in the service industry are treated. Almost as if they (or we) were not people.

�Get me more coffee.�

�Hey you, I need _____________.�

Things like that.

I really need to focus on treating people the way that I would like to be treated. To acknowledge people who do jobs that I can�t / do not want to do.

Maybe if I treat people better, I will begin to like myself more and maybe, just maybe, I will change the world that I live in.

TTFN

Tuesday, Dec. 31, 2002 - 7:56 a.m.

THIS IS THE END...

Indeed, the end to a strange year. Hopefully the beginning of a better one. One of the things I have always loved about New Years is that is the opportunity to "start over" with the rest of the world.

SPEAKING OF THE REST OF THE YEAR...

I am back on the diet wagon. I actually started yesterday, so that I was not too "trendy" by gorging myself through today. I am down one pound. I think I have figured out what has gone wrong. I have gotten older, but my "health habits" have not adjusted to my getting older.

When I was in my late teens and early 20's I could eat all day and no weight gain. If I wanted to loose, I would go the gym. I assumed because I am a vegetarian that I was healthy and would always be thin. Reality is now staring me in the face.

WHY I SHOULD NOT WATCH OPRAH

Dating over 30 was the topic du jour. The men they talked to really bothered me. Men in their late 30's and 40's who prefer women in their 20's because women in their 30's are either: too bitter from past relationships or too set in their ways. Maybe those statements hit too close to home. So what did I do in a state of panic???

I signed up for SPEED DATING. You meet with 10-15 people for 8 min "meet and greet dates." A friend of mine from high school is going with me.

I think that what I need is to:

stop meeting men in bars

stop assuming that all relationships end in heartache

not all relationships need to be "marriage oriented." As always loyal readers I will keep you updated.

EL GUAPO

Sorry to hear about the BART fares going up tomorrow. Damn BART and their bad accounting!!

EYE-BALL

Where are you? First Periscopeboy disappears and now you. We want to know what you thought of the wedding.

WINEHUNTER

I am glad that Otis is pissed off. When you act like an idiot, you get your feelings hurt.

TTFN

Sunday, Dec. 29, 2002 - 4:09 p.m.

MY GOD 2003 IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER...

Last night I woke up at 3:00 in the morning and thought to myself "That would be a wonderful diaryland topic" and went back to sleep. Whatever "that" was is a forgotten moment, because I have no idea what it could be now. I must be getting old.

I am beginning to think I am losing sight of who I am. I have really let myself go. I have become too comfortable with myself and really let myself go. I am terrible about keeping up with all of the people I should, I have gained a lot of weight, and have given up on things that used to mean a lot to me. Specifically love and finishing my PhD. Accomplishing either seems to me to be like far away places that I used to call home.

I sometimes look in the mirror and no longer recognize myself. I used to be confident (overly so at times), witty and pretty. Now I seem frumpy and wallflowerish. I really need to find out who I am now. I tend to downplay my accomplishments and focus on my failures. I really need to focus on myself in the new year.

Have you ever felt like you no longer know yourself? Like you are a stranger living in a familiar body? I feel like a sell out. I need to figure out when I lost myself and figure out how to be who I truly am.

TTFN

Wednesday, Dec. 25, 2002 - 8:46 p.m.

IT IS OVER, OFFICIALLY

And thank God for small miracles. I just got back fro, CATCH ME IF YOU CAN. Too much Leo in too little time. Funny though.

Christmas was good. Played phonetag with the ex-hubby all day. I did bring dinner to his Mom, who was too sick to go out. (I know--I should get ex-Daughter in law of the year). My Step-Dad was his typical self. He ALWAYS insists on cooking prime rib. (YICK!) He always want to BBQ it and every year dinner is late. Why??? Because he always gets a late start and always says "It always says to BBQ for 15 mins for every pound of meat if the outside temperature is 70 degrees."

Okay, it is December and about 45 degrees, so plan ahead and assume you have to cook longer so start earlier. I about killed him when my Grandmother asked him why he didn't just cook it in the oven and his response was a very coarse "Everyone know BBQing is faster, so why use the stove?" Excellent theory, but it doesn't hold up in practice. Thank God I am not a meat eater because they ended up microwaving the meat so that dinner would only be 30 mins late.

Thankfully next year we will be in London (we being my Mom, Aunt Janice, cousin and me). No prime rib, and no step dad. Praise the Lord for small miracles.

TTFN

Tuesday, Dec. 24, 2002 - 5:21 p.m.

GANGS OF NEW YORK

What can I say. In honour of my Mother and my Christmas tradition of seeing three movies on Christmas day, Mother and I went to see GANGS OF NEW YORK. Three hours of blood, violence, and cussing. Yup, sounds like a traditional way to spend Christmas to me :-)

All in all it was not a bad film, I will say that if I were not already a vegetarian, I would be now. Lots of meat, and not well "cared for" meat. I am glad I will not have to eat the prime rib tomorrow. Yick.

Tomorrows adventure...CATCH ME IF YOU CAN. Keep in mind that I am not a fan of Leo at all, but we all get to pick a movie and so far he has been popular. What better way to spend the holidays than in a dark theater away from family!

So, Happy Christmas Eve everyone. I am off to finish laundry and other holiday things.

Monday, Dec. 23, 2002 - 3:51 p.m.

Oh, the holidays are here. I am not sure if that is a good thing or not. I made the mistake of going to T@rget in Richmond to buy a DVD player for my Aunt. I am amazed at home many kids are allowed to run around T@arget with no supervision. I had six kids run into me. Actual physical contact. No �I�m sorry� or �Excuse me� nothing. One of these kids actually screamed �MOOOOVVVVE!!!� when he slammed into my cart. His mothers response��Jonathon�is that a nice thing to do or a crappy thing to do?� My vote, crappy. Top that off with the people who stand, with their cart in the middle of the main aisle talking to other people they know blocking everything. God I hate retail.

Xmas dinner is at my Mom�s house this year. God save us all. My Mom is the queen of bizarre foods. She never has all of the ingredients and improvises with whatever is on hand. She also wants to make the foods that are the �cover items� on �Good Housekeeping� and magazines like that. I grew up eating foods like : fruit pizza, broccoli surprize, fruit quiche and macaroni mystery meal. I hope I live to survive to tell you all about it on Thursday. Top this with the fact that she likes to play games and you have a small view into my childhood.

Mental note: do not (I repeat) DO NOT drink too much and send text messages to the ex-hubby. If you do, you will wake up to strange messages on your answering machine.

TTFN

Friday, Dec. 20, 2002 - 8:38 a.m.

Why in the hell would ANYONE trust FOX network to set them up with a millionaire. I keep seeing ads for a show (to air in January) about a "good-looking" man who makes $19,000 a year who has 20 women who are trying to get him to fall in love with him, thinking that he is worth $50 million. Where does FOX find people to fall for this? If FOX were to approach me about being on a "reality show" to marry a millionaire, I would see big red flags everywhere. I think with a track record like "Who wants to marry a millionaire" and "Temptation Island" that everyone should be suspicious of something.

Going back to my "Mail Order Husband" theory...where is the show were 20 men compete to marry a beautiful woman worth $50 million, only to find out that she makes $19,000. It will never happen. How stupid are these people?

TTFN

Thursday, Dec. 19, 2002 - 6:13 p.m.

My Mother gave me a present today. She has been cleaning out the house, and found my CALIFORNIA ACHIEVEMENT TEST scores from "grade 8." (Little background info--I do not believe in standardized testing or IQ tests, and always refused to take then when I could). She told me that when she got the test results she figured that there was something wrong with the tests and put them in a box in the garage.

Why did she think the testing was wrong??? Because of my "high 80-mid 90's" percentile rank in all of the categories. After all, HOW IN THE HELL DID I SCORE IN THE 93rd percentile in Math. I always failed math.

I am going to frame it for when people ask me stupid questions I can hand it to them and tell them to stop waisting my "brain power." (JUST KIDDING). I told her "Thanks--if only I had known, I would have applied to Stanford."

I am off to memorize the dictionary or something smart like that.

PART 2

Okay, so I am lucky enough to live in the state with the largest budget deficit in U.S History! Woo hoo! Go California--$35 Billion in debt. Not even Tom Cruise can save us now. So, the media is putting "single Mom who will be forced back on welfare if their programs are cut" on the news and it makes me think--how in the hell did we get into this mess. Now granted, the county I live in has a bankrupt school board, but that was bad accounting. When do I get to be this irrisponsible. If I am $1 million overdrawn, I do not get to go to my employer and say "I am overdrawn, so I need a payraise with interest." Maybe I could, I just haven't tried.

Oakland had its 108th homicide of the year. 20 more than last year. All of this makes me wonder..WHY IN THE HELL DO PEOPLE MOVE TO CA? We have the fifth largest economy in the world and yet was are broke. CA is pulling an ENRON on this one. Last winter it was no electricity. This year it is flooding and a huge debt. Maybe the state of CA should put up a website. Something like www.helpuspayourbudgetoff.com. People from all over the world could pay through paypal or something. Please...send a dollar to the Golden State--we could use it.

TTFN

Wednesday, Dec. 18, 2002 - 6:32 p.m.

Quote of the Day: "Aesthetics (the philosophy of beauty) is ill equiped to educate man today since it does not face our Darker side (shadow). We cannot truly love beauty until we face the fact that many times we have not loved divine beauty (holy spirit) but have adored cheap substitutes, pleasure instead of joy etc, the philosophy of beauty without religion is pleasure seeking at all costs." Jung

What I am watching: Judge Judy

Which cat in snuggly: Lestat

So, I am on vacation, and I am sick. Not sure with what, but with something. Sore throat and cough. Luckily I stocked up on cough, cold and flu stuff at my favorite grocery store (which is now 75% off!). At least when I am sick, I sleep a lot more.

I have spent the day cleaning up cat vomit. Apparently Lestat did not swallow his pill this morning and spent the rest of the day throwing up on everything in sight. Poor little guy. I will have to be much more careful when giving him his pill. Totally all my fault.

It is supposed to rain again starting tomorrow. Of course I have to go to Richmond AGAIN on Friday, so all of you Diaryland readers out there, please pray for a break in the rain Friday morning.

The "office holiday party" was last night. It is strange to see coworkers in a "social" atmosphere. The coworker who lives two doors down from my evil ex (not the ex-hubby--the evil "got someone else pregnant and forgot to mention it" evil ex)was joking about having her neighbors over for the holidays. I would die laughing if he showed up. It suddenly occured to me that I have had no contact with him for seven and a half years. Since we dated for seven years it occured to me that I started dated my "high-school boyfriend" almost 15 YEARS AGO. Now I do feel old.

On that note...TTFN

Sunday, Dec. 15, 2002 - 1:56 p.m.

Quote of the day:

Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.

Carl Gustav Jung (1875-1961)

What I am watching:

Haunted History and the Packer / 49er game

Cat that is being snuggly:

Louis

So far I have managed to stay out of "the grocery store" so I am very proud of myself. Luckily it is still rainy and icky, so I can justify sitting in my sweats and lounging all day. I have to psych myself up to travel to Richmond tomorrow anyway.

I am not a good vacation person. Unless I am going somewhere, like Europe, I tend not to take time off seriously. I have been cleaning for two days, and watching TV and things like that, but am not really doing anything specific. I wish I was in London. I love London. I would run around and drink tea and go to the theater.

Then again, I am sure that people in London wish they could be in San Francisco. I guess the grass is always greener. It amazes me that people would want to spend any vacation time in SF. I mean there are only so many times you can go to Pier 39 and Alcatraz :-)

TTFN

Saturday, Dec. 14, 2002 - 11:15 p.m.

I have no willpower. None, zip, nada. I actually went out in the rain AGAIN and went grocery shopping. I have officially run out of room. No more storage, nada. The funny thing is, the employees there no longer care. They are getting laid off, and they do not get any additional discounts, so the deals are amazing. I bought my Mother her favorite wine, the price came up wrong in the computer ($5.00 cheaper) and the clerk said "Oh well, they are laying me off--I don't care" so a $20 bottle of wine sold for $7.50. I am set for life now!

As I was clearing out the garage, I realized that there are so many things about myself that I have lost contact with. I think I lost a lot of confidence when I got divorced. I am not sure how to explain it. I think it made me re-evaluate everything about myself in the search for "an answer." I had a talk with my ex once about why he was so afraid for me to love him back. His answer "Everything in life eventually leaves, either through boredom, or death." It has occured to me that one of the main reasons we split was because he wanted to leave before I got bored with him and left myself. All this time I thought that I was the insecure one, and all along, I think he is really the one who is afraid.

I think this is a lot more common that you may think. I think people react out of fear more than anything else. Why is it that people don't admit to cheating and lie about it? Fear. Why do people deny loving someone else? The fear of rejection. Fear is an amazing motivator. Personally, I am motivated by failure, or maybe it is the fear of failure. Bleck. Too much to think about on a Saturday night.

PERISCOPEBOY where are you???????????????????????????????????

TTFN

Saturday, Dec. 14, 2002 - 1:18 p.m.

How am I spending this rainy Saturday??? Cleaning, drinking fancy coffee (bought at 50% off of course) and watching "When Harry Met Sally" trying to convince myself that I do not want to go back to the grocery store. I hope they mark things 75% off soon, so I can justify going back. I am beginning to think that discount shopping is going to be as addictive to me as betting on football. Time will tell.

The funny thing is, now that I have food in the house, I do not have the craving to eat out. I am actually thinking about making a pizza--from like yeast and flour and things like that. I am quite domestic when I have to be.

I am so grateful that my ex cleaned out the gutters last week. Rain and clogged gutters do not mix.

Bizarre conversation at the grocery store: I was telling my aunt how much I liked the frosted covered oreos, but that I no longer eat them. A women came up to us and said:

My God, those are hideous--they are worse than donuts. Bleck." and walked off. Why do people feel the need to comment on what other people are buying. I would never say anything to anyone about what they were shopping for. Did I comment on the man who argued that 50% off of 10 was $4 and not $5? No I did not. Did I comment to the woman who had 20 boxes of Tampax Super Size? No, I did not. Why? Because I do have some self control. Not much, but enough to know better.

TTFN

Friday, Dec. 13, 2002 - 3:01 p.m.

What is better than a 25% off grocery store excursion? A 50% off grocery store excursion. I think I may not have to go to the grocery store for another six months. I am totally ready for any disaster for I have enough litter, cat treats, champagne and cleaning supplies to keep a small army happy :-) I will go back when everything is 75% off. So far I have saved over $400!! My pantry is full, and I have enough Rice Milk and cereal to never have to leave my house again.

It was crazy in the diaper aisle. Luckily I don't need them, but damn, mark them 50% off and people go insane. It is nice to have enough money to be able to buy in bulk and not worry about it. I can hardly wait for the 75% off day though. Isn't my life exciting???

It is pouring down rain here. I love the rain. Especially when I do not have to go to work. The stupid thing about CA is that every time it rains, the freeways flood and it makes the commute terrible. There were problems on the Bay Bridge this morning, and the rain just made it worse. It was nice to be able to turn on the morning news and say "Thank God I do not have to commute." I do have to go to Richmond on Monday, but that is no problem. I can go anytime, and completely bypass the commute.

I am off to unpack my plethura of groceries!

TTFN

Wednesday, Dec. 11, 2002 - 12:21 p.m.

There is a grocery store here in how that is going out of business and everything is 25% off. I went in and bought:

6 bottles of champagne

15 bags of cat treats

Two huge boxes of litter

Four boxes of litter deoderizer

Six "Swiffer" cleaning solution bottles

Four "Blue Toilet" tablets.

The clerk looked at me like I was insane. I am going to make a big list today and go back tomorrow and stock up for winter and earthquakes and other emergencies.

TTFN

Tuesday, Dec. 10, 2002 - 1:26 p.m.

I think today will be my last day working until the new year. Woo hoo. I have a few small �appointments� here and there, but at least I can veg out in from home for a little while. The problem with working a lot is that I tend to have no idea what to do when I am not working. Then I get into �total slacker� mode and struggle to get back to work. Damn if I do, damn if I don�t!

I found a bunch of �old� CD�s in my garage (yes, I am still unpacking). Pearl Jam�s first album, and old Nirvana bootlegs that I bought in Europe. Things that I forgot I had, but was glad to find them again. It is strange how you can miss things you didn�t know you had. Reminders of youth that go so far back that I feel really old. I am beginning to realize that some day NIRVANA will be played on the oldies station the way the ELVIS and THE BEATLES are played now. Quite frankly, that will probably kill me. The way that watching NICK AT NITE reminds me how old I am. I hate the fact that the COSBY KIDS are now in their late 30�s. Yuck! I think I need to go lie down now.

TTFN

Monday, Dec. 09, 2002 - 2:40 p.m.

The ONLY thing that sucks about being gone for a week is that there is always a weeks worth of work to catch up on. Bleck! I am already at a point where I am sick of work for the rest of the year. I was shocked to find out that Christmas is in only 16 days! My God�see what happens when Thanksgiving is late in the year and I go on vacation? I wake up to Christmas in two weeks. At least I got the Christmas cards out. I usually try and get them out by December 2, but blew that deadline last week.

The cats and I feel asleep on the couch last night. I think we were just too warm to move. It is raining today and freezing cold (a.k.a. 52 degrees in California lingo). It was almost 70 degrees on Saturday and now it is cold and rainy. That should have been my first clue to it being Christmas.

I have learned a lot about myself while the ex was here. It is nice to have reminders as to why we divorced in the first place. The first being his brother (FFT) and his need to acknowledge his existence. The second being that he always wants the heater on�until the house is 90 degrees, and he is really whiney about always using a clean towel for the shower �to the point of having to do laundry all the time. See, now you all know why we split up�in laws and laundry�enough to kill even the strongest marriages.

I did have some guy hitting on me at the gas station this morning. Of course he was about 50, but the idea of being hit on was nice.

I need to think of what my �2003 Goals� are. I know�I am a big geek when it comes to these things. At least I bought a house, which was a �2002 Goal� so it is not always a waste of time. I think work less would be good, but that is never something I can ever manage to do.

On a bizarre note...Actor Glenn Quinn (he played Becky's husband on ROSEANNE and had a part in ANGEL) died on December 3rd of what they think is a drug overdose. I was shocked to read that he was from Ireland and had to change his voice to be on ROSEANNE. How sad. For some reason his death really bothered me.

TTFN

Sunday, Dec. 08, 2002 - 4:42 p.m.

Google searches to find me:

Joeypea (Joanna--is someone trying to find you through me????)

Jennifer Anniston weight loss

Lake Berryessa killer

The ex left this morning. The cats and I are taking the day off and watching football and eating junkfood. He was nice enough to leave each cat a t-shirt for them to sleep on, and some cologne for me to spray on them every few weeks. The good thing about the ex being gone is that I will have no contact with FFT. Always look to the bright side of things :-)

I am laughing because FFT is being sued, and had planned a trip to somewhere overseas at the same time as the trial. He assumed, that becuase he is FFT, that he could simply tell the court that it was not a good time for him and to reschedule, to which the court said "No way!" HAHAHAHAHA. I have a bet with my ex that he will have to pay the maximum amount. I have that time off from work, and I may just go to court and make him nervous. I know--evil is as evil does.

I did manage to finish putting up my Christmas lights and mail out the "Holiday Cards" which is a small miracle. My favorite part of the holidays are the Christmas cards.

I did find out that I am pretty much done with work for the rest of the year after this Tuesday. Woohoo! Three weeks off. What is a workaholic to do????

Friday, Dec. 06, 2002 - 7:45 a.m.

It is amazing how insignificant Fridays are when you are on vacation :-) The ex is leaving on Sunday morning, and I must say we had a nice vacation together. It is still strange to be near someone who knows me so well. We still can complete each others sentences, and he knows how to order meals for me if I am in the bathroom. I feel sorry for the cats. When he leaves, they get so sad and depressed for a few days. I wish I could explain everything to them, but, as far as they know he is here one moment and gone the next.

The hard part for me is that I have now had a reminder of what "relationships" are like. The "always have someone to do something with" and "don't worry I will get on the roof and clean your gutters" part of life that I have not been a part of for quite a while.

On a totally different note...

I live in a town with outlet stores..I hate them, but have learned to live with them. While in one of these stores, I had a reminder as to why I am grateful I am not a retail person. There was a woman SCREAMING at the top of her voice at a cashier about her credit card. Apparently, the womans daughter had tried to use the credit card, and it was denied. Because her name did not match the name on the card, the store took the card and contacted the primary card holder. A small portion of the shouting match.

Woman: F@ck you and your Godd@ammed f@cking store and policies. I have never had a denied credit card. How dare you make me drive here from (Stupid small town near Lake Berryessa). I am on f@cking oxygen and am leaving for Mexico in the morning and if you don't give me my f@cking card now I will call the cops.

Retail Woman: I am sorry Ma'am, but the card was denied, and the credit card did not belong to (name of daughter).

w: I don't give a f@uck! My name is XXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXX and EVERYONE here should know my name and my daughters name so f@ck you and your policies. (Backgound info---she lives in a small town where everyone knows everyone that is 30 miles from here--no one knows her here). She then turns to me and says "I bet even this b@tch knows who I am."

RW: Let me go into the back and get your credit card. I just need to see your ID.

W: I don't need any f@cking ID--my husband will vouch for me. You better do what I want before I get REALLY F@CKING MAD.

Blah, blah, blah. This went on for 15 mins--even after she had her card back. The sad thing is, her daughter was my age and she was in her 60's / 70's. Her husband kept trying to shut her up and all she would say to him was "F@ck you--you are still wearing your PJ's--no wonder they don't recognize me being with your f@cked up ass." As soon as she left, everyone in the store started laughing--as if it hadn't really happened. Just imagine what she is like when she is really mad!!

I am off to feed the cats and make coffee.

TTFN

Wednesday, Dec. 04, 2002 - 8:53 p.m.

What??? Two entries in the same week???? I don't believe it.

'Tis true my loyal readers (both of you). Ex went to visit his mother at Fat Fuck Trolls house and I declined. I can only make fun of my former in-laws for so long before it gets boring. Besides, now that I am over 30, I know longer feel the need to keep all of my opinions to myself, much to the disappointment of FFT and his wife. My ex and I would joke that FFT believed in himself so much that if he were to state that Oakland was the capital of California, he would be personally insulted if you did not believe it, simple because HE said it.

He actually called me at 1:30 in the morning to challenge me to a debate on "Edgar Allen Poe." Nothing like adding alcohol to an already irritating personality. I blocked his number and he got mad about that. I'm sorry, but if anyone calls me at 1:30 in the morning, they better be calling me to tell me that something terrible has happened, or that I am a millionaire. Never should they call to "debate me" on anything.

I know these past few entries make be sound shallow and petty, but I have no where to vent. I can't complain too much to the ex, because it is his family, so my only sounding board is this diary. I always wanted in-laws that were sane and logical, but that was not in the cards for me.

My poor ex is caught in the middle. I know he "defends" me when I am not there, and I have really tried not to make an issue of it, but my God, I must have been a terrible in-law in a former life to deserve this lot. FFT once said he would run for city council and I told him that I would go on TV for anyone who was running against him and say "This candidate will treat you better than family." I thought it was funny, FFT pouted about it for THREE YEARS.

I know, I should use my brain for good instead of evil, but I just can't seem to. As long as exMIL thinks I am funny, I can get away with it.

I must say, I am not picking on him, believe me, he spent four years trying to convince me that my ex was cheating on me (which was not only not true, but made no sense, because why would he rat his brother out???) and that he stole money from us, thinking that we would do nothing because he was "family."

Can I be any more pathetic??? No more ex-inlaw rants next time--at least I hope not.

TTFN

Tuesday, Dec. 03, 2002 - 7:23 p.m.

So the ex is here. Only one arguement so far, which is a record for us. It is really strange to be with someone who knows you so well. Kinda scary. He is off tonight with his EVIL brother (nick-named Fat-Fuck-Troll). FFT hates me because I am smarter than he is, and I can see through all of his crap. FFT likes to surround himself with idiots, who don't know that he is full of crap, and are easily impressed. FFT and I have not gotten along since the night we met and he told me that he has a degree in Psychology and that he specialized in "Adlers Hierarchy of Needs".

What he didn't know was that I did have a few degrees in Psychology, and wrote my senior thesis on self actualization. He could not remember all of the levels of the heirarchy, and when I "filled in the blanks" he said to me "Prove it then Bitch." No problem--I had a book by Adler in my car. I got the book, proved him wrong, and he has hated me ever since. I would have let it slide had he not called me a bitch, but once that line is crossed, there is no going back.

He once bet me $1,000 that I did not know what the word "Chapultepec" meant. I told him that it mean "Grasshopper" in the Aztec language. (I minored in foreign languages and anthropology). He never did pay me. He welched, as usual. Needless to say, I am not out with ex and FFT. FFT's wife is also a real case job. She pretends to be really nice with Mom-in-law is around, and then the fangs come out when she is gone. I feel sorry for my ex. He is genetically bound to these people--and there is nothing he can do about it. I adore my ex-MIL though. She is one of the sweetest women I have ever met. She knows that FFT is mean to me, but she laughs when I make fun of him. Bless her!

Thank God my ex doesn't know about this diary, (or how to surf the net for that matter) or I would be in big trouble!

TTFN

Monday, Nov. 25, 2002 - 1:21 p.m.

Okay, so a million or so years ago today, I got married. Okay, maybe not a million, but maybe the seven years just feels like a million. It is strange how some events can seem like a lifetime ago, yet weren�t too many years ago.

The strange thing is that I really don�t �feel� anything other than the amazement at how long ago it was. Maybe I have come a lot farther along than I thought, or maybe I have just been distracted. Not sure. I do not remember much about my wedding really. I look at the pictures and it is like looking at someone else. Someone, who although familiar, is a stranger to me.

I honestly thought this relationship, would last forever, but I think I was just being optimistic, and blinded by love.

PART 2

My twisted little world. Since my last post I have been thinking. Sitting at the computer and thinking. Do I regret getting married and divorced? Yes and no. I will never regret getting married, and although I started out with the belief that it would last forever, there is a part of me that does not regret the divorce. I am closer to my ex than I have ever been, and our relationship has advanced to a different level. Normally I box people up and pretend they never existed. This is the first �failed� relationship in my life where I am in contact and am best friends with my ex. This is good and bad. Good in the sense that it is never a good idea to be enemies with someone who knows so much about you, but bad in the sense that if he ever married again (which I really doubt) I would really be devastated. It would be like that line in �When Harry Met Sally� when Meg Ryan said something like �It wasn�t that he didn�t want to get married, it was that he did want to get married to me.�

I think that for most of my life I was programmed to believe that marriage = success and that divorce = failure. I am beginning to see that this is not always the case. I know of people that are married but hate each other and are miserable. What is the success in that?

My ex is flying in on Turkeyday and we will be spending his vacation hanging out around CA and shopping and just being friends. Hence my twisted little world. My �big date� and it is with my exhubby.

TTFN

Saturday, Nov. 23, 2002 - 4:50 p.m.

Statements that I will never understand...

"I am only good in the beginning of a relationships, not the day to day and ending part."

Okay, as if ANYONE is good at the end of a relationships. Everyone loves the beginning of a relationship, the newness, the "getting to know you" part of everything. Sure, it is not nearly as exciting of a day to spend it together doing laundry and grocery shopping. Everyone would love to spend the day staring lovingly into each others eyes and getting to know their mannerisms. Ending things as they become routine should not be the goal of every relationship.

"Sex isn't something I can do with someone I really care about."

Um, okay. I have heard that from a few different men. As if sex is something you do to pass the time. I have also heard that kissing is much more intimate than sex. Whatever. Casual sex is one thing, but the inability to "make love" to someone you are in love with because it "cheapens" everything is a crock.

"Friendship is always better."

No, it isn't. Unconditional love is always better. Friendship is just a safe way to distance yourself from your true feelings. Friendship is a cop out. It is just a safe way to keep an eye on someone without giving your "right to screw other people" away.

Any others?

TTFN

Wednesday, Nov. 20, 2002 - 9:49 a.m.

GREETINGS AND SALUTATIONS

Three days in a row�I must really be caught up. Three weeks and counting until no more work! Woo hoo! So much to do, so little time!

I have been in �super clean� mode all week. I have been working on the yard everyday after work, and have been trying to unpack all of the boxes that are left in my garage. I do wish it would rain soon though, but not until I finish cleaning out all of the gutters. I can see why people do not want to live in houses, they are too much work as far as upkeep, but I can not complain about the tax breaks

The news says that if we go to war with Iraq, gas prices in CA could go up to $4 a gallon by January. I will never understand how I can live 30 miles from the refineries in Richmond, and yet pay more for gas than anyone else in the country. You would think we would get it for next to nothing due to the lack of shipping required. No dice though. What do you do when gas is $4 a gallon? We have to pay it, and the gas companies know it. I wish expensive gasoline, electricity and other things would choose another state for a while, like Kentucky or something. Let CA see what it is like to pay $1.25 a gallon of gas for a while!

TTFN

Tuesday, Nov. 19, 2002 - 1:04 p.m.

What, two entries in two days�the earth must have shifted off center or something!

No really, I am finally getting caught up with everything in life and am trying to be a little more �faithful� in writing. There is a lot going on, just not many interesting things going on. Only three more weeks of work for the year and then time to relax and enjoy the holidays.

I think my problem is the weather. It is still too hot to be Thanksgiving time. Still warm in the 70�s (although very cold at night). I still have not had to wear a sweater yet, and I think my body is in denial of how late in the year it truly is.

I have been trying to evaluate why I am still trying to create chaos in life (i.e. working too much, not working on creating �healthy relationships� and things like that). I think I always try and have some �situation� in life that I can gripe about, so that when I am not feeling well, I have something to place the blame on. Sick and twisted, but thus is the story of my life. People can associate with the �lack of good men� in the world, so when I gripe about that, people can agree and sympathize. It is a much better thing to think about than �I am dreading letting myself fall in love again only to be let down and hurt.� No, I will stick to the man shortage theory. I wonder, do men gripe about the �lack of good women� shortage, or is there plenty of �good women� and thus the �good men� shortage?

TTFN

Monday, Nov. 18, 2002 - 2:29 p.m.

IS IT ONLY MONDAY???????

Because I do not already have enough to do in life, I am having Thanksgiving at my house this year. Yes, the workaholic must prove that she can do anything, including a holiday meal. Luckily, my family is the champion potluck people, and no one trusts me to make a turkey, because I won�t, so most of the �work� will be done by others�the way it should be.

Work is finally slowing down, but I am still working more than usual. Luckily I am off of work from 12/15-1/03, so I can sleep then. Work is preventing me from having a social life at the moment, but that is pretty much true whether I am working or not!

I am giving up on my battle with the leaves in my front yard. As soon as they are all raked and in the recycler, BAM new leaves everywhere. I am going to have to ask my neighbors how in the hell they manage to be leaf free. There must be a secret out there that I am not privy to. IT does give me an excuse to go to Home Depot though, and look through all of there �toys� for homeowners.

I have been super-cleaning the house though. I am trying to keep up with everything and declutter, but it is going against my deep rooted packratism.

The phone is ringing�must go back to work!I will try and get a more exciting life in the next few hours, so I can have a better update.

TTFN

Friday, Nov. 15, 2002 - 6:37 a.m.

Okay, the cats are safely away in the other room, and I do not have to worry about them erasing anything now. They are too busy eating to care about this at the moment.

The workaholic is indeed alive and well and working too much. My appointment for tonight canceled, and I am somewhat releaved. A night at home to catch up on everything I have been ignoring!

California has outrageous car insurance rates...now I know why. Last Thursday, I was rearended at a stop light (it was the first day of rain since May). Luckily, he was only going ten miles an hour. I pull over, he drives past. This really pissed me off. So, like an idiot, I FOLLOWED HIM, chasing him for about two miles through the downtown until he finally pulled over. I pulled next to him and said

"Did you hit my car?"

Him: "Yes, and I'm sorry."

Me: "I have your liceanse number so I will call the insurance tomorrow."

I did not want to get out of my car and exchange information because people will shoot you for no reason in the state, and I am not putting myself in that situation. I call the insurance agent and this is what they told me.

"You can pay for the damage yourself, or pay your $500 (my deductable), or we can send him a letter telling him that he hit you. If he responds, if he refuses to pay you can sue him. Or if he refuses to pay you can file under "uninsured motorist" and we will pay for everything."

So let me see, all you have to do in CA is not respond to a letter and nothing happens to you? No wonder we all have to carry "uninsured motorist" coverage. Luckily the damage is minor, but I sure as hell am not paying for it.

I am happy to report that my roof does not leak, although I climed up on my roof to clean my gutters,and apparently that is not how you are supposed to clean them. I used the latter to get on the roof, not to clean them. Once again my neighbors have proof that I have lost it. That and the fact that I spent two hours raking leaves only to get up in the morning to find more leave everywhere. Why bother?

The good thing about working too much??? I have lost 12 pounds.

TTFN

Sunday, Nov. 10, 2002 - 7:58 a.m.


You are Main Street U.S.A., home of the Disneyland Railroad, Penny Arcade, Disneyland City Hall, Main Street Cinema, and countless shops! You are trendy and love to go shopping. You love city life because it pampers you and the thought of living anywhere else repulses you!

Which Disneyland land are you?

I finally typed an update after all this time (it took well over an hour and was a great update) and my oldest cats somehow erased it AS I WAS TYPING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He jumped on my and the laptop and poof, suddenly I was looking at the AOL mainscreen and not my update. CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It is a conspiracy. I have to go to a meeting, so another update later. TTFN

Monday, Nov. 04, 2002 - 12:05 p.m.

Well, Leonardo di Caprio actually made me cry. Well, not him personally, but some stupid movie of his I watched last night. I was flipping channels during the Jacksonville vs Giants game and started watching �Romeo and Juliet� on FOX, or some channel. I had never seen the movie before, but I saw some scene where he was looking at Clare Daines (or whoever she was) and for some reason it reminded me of when my ex used to look at me that way.

That �I love you so much it hurts� kind of way. It actually upset me so much that I sat on the couch and cried. It may be that my �wedding anniversary� would be this month, and I remember how happy I was planning everything and getting ready. Here I am, seven years later, alone and crying at sappy movies on TV.

TTFN

Wednesday, Oct. 30, 2002 - 10:09 a.m.

WARNING---I am typing this without spellcheck, so there will be problems!!!

I was reading the wonderful diaryland journal for MARN today and it made me think about quite a few things. I will be the first to admit that the judicial system is terrible. Especially in California, but I think that with so many advancements in technology, convicting innocent people and sending them to death row will be virtually obsolete. Will it still happen, unfortunately yes. Do I still favor the death penalty? Yes. One of the reasons being that in California, the average wait to be executed is almost (if not over) 20 years. I have also had experience with the death penalty on both sides.

I had a dear friend who was murdered in 1980, and his killer is still appealing his death sentence. I also had a dear friend who was up for the death penalty, but got two life sentences plus fifty years instead.

When I was growing up, we lived in fear of Richard Ramirez (a.k.a. The Night Stalker) and we all slept with baseball bats by our beds because he attacked people all over the state in the middle of the night. I was a kid, and I was scared. When they caught him, I hoped the state would kill him. He is still alive and well in the California penal system. He even has a wife now.

We also lived in fear of another sniper killer, the "Zodiac Killer" (for whom I get so many hits from Google). Although he started killing people before I was born, they never did catch him, and we all used to get scared when going to Lake Berryessa. I would have no problem with the state killing him (although he is probably already dead).

With DNA evidence and technology now, I have no problem with the death penalty. I grew up in and still live in a prison town. I do believe that before someone is executed, that the evidence needs to be re-evaluated and examined with modern technology. A match is a match is a match. Do I think they should "kill the kid" who participated in the sniper shootings on the East Coast? Hell yes, because if you do not know, at the age of 17, that shooting and killing people is wrong, you never will. Is the death penalty a deterant? No, but at on death row they are not allowed conjugal visits, free PALE grants and weekend furlows.

Since 1976, California has executed eight people, leaving just over 600 on death row. Are there innocent people on death row in California? I am sure there are. But at the rate we are going, death in California is another word for life, without parole.

TTFN

Monday, Oct. 28, 2002 - 9:14 p.m.

As I was driving home from after a very long day, I decided that what I am missing in life, is the excitement of love. What I mean by that is newness and excitement of the beginning of a relationship. For example, my friend just got back from his honeymoon. He was telling me how excited they were to come home and start "their new life together." It made me realize that, at one time, I had that.

The nervousness, the excitement, the flutters. The hoping that everytime the phone rings that it would be "him." The secret love notes slipped into lunch bags, and the waking up in someones arms. Someone who wants you to be in their arms.

I miss saying things like "Let me check with my husband" and things like that as if to tell everyone that someone, at sometime, loved me enough to marry me. I miss that.

Although I have been able to "prove" that I am independent enough to take care of myself, and to be selfsufficient, I sometimes wonder what price I truly paid.

TTFN

Monday, Oct. 28, 2002 - 1:37 p.m.

No really, I am alive. Alive and well and working too much. But, you all knew that already. I can not believe that it has been a week since my last update. If only I could come back with tales of fun and adventure, but alas, my �only� bragging right is that I am #1 again in Fantasy Football. Long live my addiction to gambling.

I AM planning another trip to Vegas soon, but I will wait until it is a full fledged winter here (as in being below 50 degrees) and take the $19 flight from Oakland to Las Vegas. At least football season will be over by then. I should be safe then. But then again, am I ever safe in Vegas? I think not!

I did manage to loaf around watching football / baseball all day yesterday. I lost a dollar to my ex because he is from Southern CA and of course we had to bet. Knowing my gambling problem, he won�t bet more than $1, so that was a good thing. He is coming out to visit for Turkeyday and I will have to pay him then.

Another blind date on the horizon, but I will stall for a while. Someone a dear friend works with. Actually two different people from two different friends. I guess it is �raining men.� Of course this is the time of year when I am working 90 hours a week, but what the hell! It is feast or famine in my social life these days.

TTFN

Monday, Oct. 21, 2002 - 11:41 a.m.

Top Google searches to find me:

�History of the Zodiac killer�

�Burbur Carpet�

�California Gym�

�Difference between Northern�

�How to Catch a Vandle�

�Tired and cranky�

Melrose Place Syndication� AND

�Indiana and California�

No, I did not fall off the edge of the planet, I have just been working. I wish I could come back here and tell of the exciting weekend I had off the coast of France with a gorgeous man I met in a bookstore, but no, the cats I and spent the entire weekend cleaning and working. Isn�t being an adult fun???

One of the things I LOVE about California is that it is almost November, and it is still warm enough to wear shorts. It was 80 degrees yesterday, and I was wearing shorts while cleaning the house. I will never understand why people love the snow�it is just too cold.

Longer update later.

TTFN

Wednesday, Oct. 16, 2002 - 1:28 p.m.

Thank you for all of your warm birthday wishes. 31 isn�t nearly as bad as it could have been. I am officially to old to be carded for alcohol though, which I will never recover from.

As my loyal readers know I love listening to people who are making asses of themselves in public. For example, as I was flying home from Boston, three of my four flights were overbooked. There were a lot of people on standby. At the next terminal, I got to overhear the following conversation between a woman and the person behind the counter.

Woman: Sorry I�m late, but I decided to eat dinner and there was a long wait at the restaurant.

Employee: I�m sorry, but the plane left ten mins ago.

W: But I wasn�t on the plane. Who gives you the right to let the plane take off without me?

E: I am sorry, but the plane was scheduled to leave at 5:35 and we could not hold the flight.

W: The hell you couldn�t. Do you have ANY IDEA who my husband is? His name is XXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXX and he works for this airline. You need to call the pilot and tell him to bring the plane back or else.

E:I am sorry, but the plane has already taken off and there is nothing I can do.

W: No, you don�t understand, you WILL call the pilot and he WILL bring the plane back because I SAID SO!

Needless to say, the plane didn�t come back. It always amazes me the �power� that some people think they have over other people. Oh, I�m sorry, since you are an employees spouse, please, let me have them turn the plane around for you. It is the least we can do for you.

I snagged this from SPAMLOAF410 10 years ago, I ...

1. Just started graduate school

2. Wanted to be a millionaire by 28

3. Thought that at 5�7� that 120 pounds was fat

4. Was dating a real idiot

5. Used e-mail for research only

5 years ago, I ...

1. Was still in graduate school

2. Worked in upper level management for a wireless telecom company

3. Knew that at 5�7� 145 was fat

4. Was married (not to the original idiot)

5. Used e-mail as my primary form of communication

2 years ago, I ...

1. Was on a �break� from graduate school

2. Started my current job

3. Still on the chubby side

4. Was divorced

5. Shopped on e-bay way too much

One year ago, I�

1. Was still on a �break�

2. Was promoted to management

3. Gained and lost the same 20 pounds four times

4. Dated another idiot

5. Started to work too much

Yesterday, I ...

1. Turned 31

2. Worked all day

3. Almost finished unpacking from moving into my first home

4. Decided that being single wasn�t too bad

5. Started plotting my next five year financial plan

Today, I ...

1. Slept in

2. Almost forgot to feed the cats breakfast

3. Am working way too late again

4. Decided to do more with my life than work

5. Started to read another book

Tomorrow, I will ...

1.Finally have a night off

2. Finish my laundry

3. Leave work early

4. Send my grad school a letter about coming back next January

5. Go to the gym

Five things I have brand loyalty to:

1. Diaryland

2. Diet Dr. Pepper

3. Paul Mitchell

4. Innova

5. Western Family

Five snacks I enjoy:

1. Veggie Pizza

2. Pasta

3. Doritos

4. Pineapple

5. Potatoes

My five biggest joys at the moment:

1. My new house

2. My two cats

3. My job

4. Trying to finish grad school

5. Being friends with my ex

TTFN

Tuesday, Oct. 15, 2002 - 2:48 p.m.

taurus

What's *Your* Sex Sign?
More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva

Top Google Searches to find me:

�You have the wrong number�

�Libosuction�

�Blocked phone calls�

�The Garland Briefer than the Girls�

I guess the Jennifer Aniston weight loss searchers have found all of their answers. You never know what you are going to get on a Google search.

My dear friend JOEYPEA and I are officially older today. (Although she is a MUCH YOUNGER version of �older� than I am!). I like being born on the �traditional payday� because it means there is no reason for a lack of presents!

TTFN

Monday, Oct. 14, 2002 - 9:07 p.m.

Top Google Searches to find me:

Aniston weight

Mail order husbands

History Zodiac Killer

Historonic

Britney caught smoking

EMT jobs California

Paxil makes me tired

Libosuction

I am back from Boston. It is my first wedding since my own divorce. I handled it better than I thought I would. It was really strange. I loved MA though. Beautiful.

The sad thing is that I met a really wonderful guy. He was funny and nice. He was attractive and I found myself thinking that I could really fall for someone like this. He, of course, lives in Boston. I literally stayed up until 3 am talking to him. Had he lived here, I would have asked to meet with him again, but as luck would have it, he lives thousands of miles away from me.

I can either look at this in terms of "finally, I am attracted to someone and want to get to know them" or I could look at it as "See, the universe is out to get me--I finally meet someone and we can never be together."

For now, I will blame the universe.

TTFN

Tuesday, Oct. 08, 2002 - 9:21 p.m.

Top Five Ways People found me through Google:

�Permanent braces�

�Worst date I ever went on�

�How much does Jennifer Aniston weigh�

�Translated into German� someone actually wanted to read me in a different language!

�Xendadrine�

I am the proud owner of a new crown. I spent the morning at the dentist, and everything is new and fully functioning! I am hoping that this one lasts another 12 years. Dental appointments have changed a lot. Now the numb the area before they give you a shot. Honestly I didn�t feel anything. The sound of the drill was annoying, but hey, with no pain who can complain?

I actually decorated for Halloween today. I went to the store and bought decorations and decorated the front of my house. I was the only one on the block without decorations, and was beginning to feel left out. I bought a doormat that screams �Happy Halloween! Ha! Ha! Ha!� It scared the kid that mows my lawn. Best $2.99 I ever spent! TTFN

Monday, Oct. 07, 2002 - 9:11 a.m.

Top four google searches to find me:

�justifiable homicide cannibalism�

�Pink Mizundastood album�

�Fung shei�

�Mail order husband�

I am really concerned about the �justifiable homicide cannibalism� person. I mean is someone out there really trying to find a case of �justifiable homicide cannibalism� or is someone really bored and trying to see how many hits they can get on weird subjects? Odd, just odd.

I do wonder if the �Mail order husband� people are women who are looking for a young European stud to marry, or men who want to be �mail order husbands� who are looking for women to import as brides. I will never know.

Another hectic weekend bites the dust. I worked all weekend, so it really wasn�t much of a weekend at all. Which is fine, although I do miss the days of lounging around for two full days with nothing to do but relax. I must be �too type A� oriented to do that. Either that or I am very easily bored.

TTFN

Saturday, Oct. 05, 2002 - 7:03 a.m.

Top Google Search to Find /me:

"Single and Depressed"

Lovely. No one ever finds me by searching "divorced and happy" but then again I would have to write about it to be able to find me that way.

I think I am hesistate to get into another relationship because I no longer know how to be loved by someone. I know this sounds strange, but I was thinking about this last night as I was driving home from work. As a "defense mechanism" I tend to question the motivation behind what people do. When I was dating Jeff, he was very nice and sweet, but I seemed to hesitate in really caring about him because I was waiting for the "real Jeff" to appear.

The Jeff that would be late without calling. The one who would lie about little things. The Jeff that would eventually get bored with me and leave. It did not occur to me that perhaps this version of the "real Jeff" never existed outside of my mind. Maybe the "real Jeff" was nice, who sent flowers just because. Who send e-mails just to say "Hello, I am thinking about you." Maybe I ended the relationship before he turned into what I thought he would eventually become.

If I were a stronger person I would have just let the relationship grow and not judge him based on the actions of others. I see know that I tend to leave relationships before the problems begin, so that I am not the one who is broken hearted. What I have realized is that I treat men the way I hate men to treat me.

I think I look for unconditional love, but am too afraid to give it. I am no longer single and depressed, I see myself now as single and afraid. Afraid that I have forgotten how to love and trust unconditionally.

TTFN

Friday, Oct. 04, 2002 - 9:10 a.m.


Which of Kelly Osbourne's random objects are you?
by Razorstar

TopGoogle Searches to find me:

�Pack Rat�

�Lake Berryessa Zodiac�

�Okinawa Hauntings�

These searches make my journal sound like a very interesting read. No one looking for diet products today though.

I have to work for the next two days and I am not too thrilled. Night appointments and night meetings really suck! At least I am finally feeling better. I did forget to take my Sudafed this morning, but oh well.

So I went to the dentist and I need to get a partial crown. Not too bad. This crown lasted 12 years, and the damage is minor, so it should only take 30 mins and cost $100. I do not have dental insurance, so that was great news. And a new toothbrush to boot!

I am going to Boston next weekend for a wedding. The only person I will know at the wedding is the groom. At least I will not have to try and catch the bouquet!

TTFN

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Which of the Mayfair Witches are YOU Most Like?


Find out now! Only from

href="http://quizjunkie.tripod.com">the Quiz Junkie

Thursday, Oct. 03, 2002 - 10:40 a.m.


Which of Kelly Osbourne's hairstyles are you?
by Razorstar

TOP GOOGLE SEARCHES OF THE DAY (a.k.a. how to find crowhihs on diaryland)

�Why is California flaky?�

�Burbur Carpet�

�Newspaper Deliverer Work�

"psychology what makes me hold on to my ex"

�Xenadrin�

If you would like a lot of hits on your site, simply talk about Xenadrin and / or other diet pills. I am telling you�hits galore.

I was talking to a friend of mine who recently broke up with her longtime boyfriend (of four years I believe). At the time of their breakup, he kept telling her that he could not imagine being with anyone else and would wait and try and work things out. Three months later he is engaged to someone else. So much for waiting and trying to win her back. I think a lot of people are able to just �move on� immediately after a breakup. I never really thought about how long you should �wait� before dating again, if you should wait at all. I know I did not go out with anyone until my divorce was final. On the other hand I know of a few people who married other people the day after their divorce was final.

I understand that there are people who have to be in a relationship and can not stand being single, but I would think that after being with someone for a number of years you would not run out and get engaged to someone else.

I actually envy people who can simply �shut off� their emotions and move on quickly. I tend to mourn relationships for months after the end. I think I analyze things too much.

On a different note�my stepdad finally got another job. Knowing him, it will last less than a week. My Dad used to get injured at the workplace a lot, and I always thought he was faking it so that he could get paid not to work. He once told me that �headaches can never be proven or disproven.� We shall see.

TTFN

Thursday, Oct. 03, 2002 - 9:53 a.m.

TOP GOOGLE SEARCHES OF THE DAY (a.k.a. how to find crowhihs on diaryland)

�Why is California flaky?�

�Burbur Carpet�

�Newspaper Deliverer Work�

�Xenadrin�

If you would like a lot of hits on your site, simply talk about Xenadrin and / or other diet pills. I am telling you�hits galore.

I was talking to a friend of mine who recently broke up with her longtime boyfriend (of four years I believe). At the time of their breakup, he kept telling her that he could not imagine being with anyone else and would wait and try and work things out. Three months later he is engaged to someone else. So much for waiting and trying to win her back. I think a lot of people are able to just �move on� immediately after a breakup. I never really thought about how long you should �wait� before dating again, if you should wait at all. I know I did not go out with anyone until my divorce was final. On the other hand I know of a few people who married other people the day after their divorce was final.

I understand that there are people who have to be in a relationship and can not stand being single, but I would think that after being with someone for a number of years you would not run out and get engaged to someone else.

I actually envy people who can simply �shut off� their emotions and move on quickly. I tend to mourn relationships for months after the end. I think I analyze things too much.

On a different note�my stepdad finally got another job. Knowing him, it will last less than a week. My Dad used to get injured at the workplace a lot, and I always thought he was faking it so that he could get paid not to work. He once told me that �headaches can never be proven or disproven.� We shall see.

TTFN

Wednesday, Oct. 02, 2002 - 10:22 a.m.

HEREISGONE posed three excellent questions today.

Is it bad to want to be wanted?

To be desired to be sought after?

Is it bad when your happiness depends on it?

For some reason these questions really hit home with me. I saw the movie �Sweet Home Alabama� on Friday and, although I really liked the film, there were a lot of things that bothered me. Without giving away the plot, basically Reece Witherspoon has two men that are in love with her. Completely, totally and obsessively in love with her. What bothered me about this movie (and so many others) is the concept that you can dump someone, not see them for years, and with one sight of you be willing to take you back as though nothing has happened.

How nice to be able to choose between two people that want you, desire you and to let your happiness be dependent upon the person you choose.

In real life, people tend not to love obsessively, to the point of remaking their entire lives to win you back. Usually they just give up and move on. There is no automatic forgiveness of all of the pain and suffering you may have caused. I know of plenty of people who may �still hold torches� for lost loves, but not to the point of giving up on everything and waiting for them to come back and love you.

I think my problem is that I bought into the �Hollywood version� of love and marriage and was shocked when it didn�t turn out roses. My parents had a terrible marriage, and yet I still held on to the belief that once you marry someone they will be there forever.

I was talking to my ex the other day and he told me that he wished I could find someone who could make me happy and that he hoped that he didn�t ruin relationships for me. I told him that I had been brokenhearted and hurt long before I had met him, and that he was just the end of a long trend of relationships that did not last �until my dying breath.�

So, is it bad to want to be wanted? No. To be desired to be sought after? No. Is it bad when your happiness depends on it? Yes, but only if you can have no happiness because of it. I wish it were as easy as it is in the movies. To be young, thin, beautiful, and to have the choice between two people that love you unconditionally and whole-heartedly. My question is�is it bad to want a Hollywood ending, and when you don�t get it to wonder why everyone around you is in love and you no longer are?

TTFN

Wednesday, Oct. 02, 2002 - 8:04 a.m.

Google searches to find me:

How Jennifer Anniston lost 35 pounds

Apparently Jennifer Anniston needs to thank me for all of the information my journal supplies the public about her weight loss. The strange thing is, I did not get a lot of google searches, and in the past week, I am getting quite a few. I guess I am finally important enough to be referred to by a google search.

I am still sick. I am home from work, but knowing me, I will drag my sick self to work for a few hours so that I don't have to work again all weekend.

I have skylights in my living room. For some reason both cats look up and stare at them, for hours at a time. It wasn't until this morning that I saw that a bird sometimes lands on them and stands there. Poor things are waiting for the birds to land. Whatever keeps them amuzed I guess

TTFN

Tuesday, Oct. 01, 2002 - 11:54 a.m.

WHITE RABBIT

And thus begins another month. My birthday month!

In the past 24 hours people have found this diary through the following Google searches:

"How much does Jennifer Anniston weigh"

"Re-po man"

"Loveless relationships"

"Perfect Unsolved Crime"

"Rock Star Cat Stevens"

"Mail order husband"

It is amazing how many different topics I have covered in this diary.

On a different note...I think I have to get a crown on one of my teeth repaired. It feels loose. I have an appointment with the dentist Thursday.

TTFN

Monday, Sept. 30, 2002 - 3:23 p.m.

People have done the following to find me:

Google:

UTF

Vegan Electrician

Slave to

California McDonalds Menu

AOL Search:

Xenadrine

Nonsufficient funds

Not a single "free porn" reference. Damn. It makes me wonder what the strangest searches could be. Somewhere out in "cyberland" there must be a list of the strangest "google" searches. Something like "Albino midgets naked" --something like that.

TTFN

Monday, Sept. 30, 2002 - 9:48 a.m.

I am alive and well, and somewhat caught up with work. I can hardly believe that I have only updated one time in the past week. Welcome to the world of the workaholic :-)

It never ceases to amaze me when people do not want to deal with the repercussions of their actions. Case in point--one of my uncles. He is a backstabber and wonders why no one wants to get together when he comes in to town. Gee, last time you stole money from my desk, so please, stay at my house.

Just because you no longer live near hear does not mean that when you come back everyone will forget all of the crap you pulled the last time you were here.

No please, let me pick you up at the airport so you can throw up in my car and bitch at me that I am not taking you to another club since we are "in the city." Thank God I will be out of town that weekend!

TTFN

Wednesday, Sept. 25, 2002 - 8:26 a.m.

No really, I am still alive. Just swamped with work as usual, and I haven't had time for a proper entry. More later.

TTFN

Friday, Sept. 20, 2002 - 7:22 p.m.


I am 77.5% British, just like
Michael Caine
Though you know your way around London you are most likely to retire to the West Coast of the USA.

Take the Brit Quiz at
www.darrenlondon.tripod.com/britquiz1.htm

Quiz written by Daz

I knew it! One of the best days I ever spent on vacation (or shall I say holiday) was when I spent two hours on the undergroud listening to the handsome British men talk to each other on the way to work. Now that I am 77.5% British it all makes sense!

TTFN

Friday, Sept. 20, 2002 - 12:48 p.m.

I AM AMAZED�

at the number of hits I got from a google search for �$6000 shower curtain.� Apparently there is a market for �$6000 shower curtains� because a lot of people are searching the internet for them. I wonder what the markup on them are.

I would get a lot of hits if I just picked up strange news titles and put them in my journal like �Kentucky Governor in Sex Scandal� or something like that. Or I could spell things incorrectly and get a lot of hits. Like �$6,000 shower curtans� or something like that. I used to get good deals on Ebay by spelling things incorrectly.

TTFN

Thursday, Sept. 19, 2002 - 4:57 p.m.

MY EX CALLED ME...

at 6:51 a.m. and asked me the following question

"What is 3+4X3?"

I mumbled "21"

"No, you are supposed to do the multiplication first, so the answer is 36."

"What?"

"I have to go back to work, I will call you later."

Yes, he woke me at 6:51 to ask me an algebra question. Tonight I am going to call him at 3:00 a.m. to ask him what the capital of Austria is. TTFN

Wednesday, Sept. 18, 2002 - 3:26 p.m.

I COPIED THIS FROM AOL NEWS

AOL News Wires

(Sept. 18) - Former Tyco International chief executive L. Dennis Kozlowski, who allegedly used company funds to buy a $15,000 umbrella stand and a $17,100 traveling toilette box, cannot make bail and could be sent to jail Thursday.

Kozlowski was indicted last week for massive fraud. His lawyers told Manhattan Supreme Court Judge Michael Obus Tuesday that Kozlowski is flat broke and cannot access bank accounts because they are frozen.

Earlier Tuesday, Tyco revealed it paid for a $6,000 shower curtain, a $2,200 wastebasket and many other expensive items for Kozlowski's New York City apartment.

Tyco accused Kozlowski of recklessly tapping company funds, including more than $1 million for his wife's birthday party in Sardinia last year. The event's planners called for gladiators and an ice sculpture of Michelangelo's David with vodka streaming from his penis into crystal glasses, according to Tyco's filing.

Now my birthday is only 27 days away, so there is still time to buy me "an ice sculpture of Michelangelo's David with vodka streaming from his penis into crystal glasses" I think it would be the PERFECT gift. What do you think?

TTFN

Wednesday, Sept. 18, 2002 - 12:03 p.m.


Which Avril Lavigne Song Are You?

I HAVE DECIDED�

That I am old enough to stop faking liking people who irritate the hell out of me. Kind of like the �eccentric� grandmother who is too old to change her ways and is vocal about it. Case in point: My stepfather. Drives me insane. He does not want to work, but loves to go on vacation. He pouts and is a gossip. I am tired of pretending to be able to stomach being in the same room as him. He talks nonstop and will talk to you when you are on the phone with someone else. If you are not paying attention to him, he will just get closer and talk LOUDER! Although I love my Mother to no end, I no longer have the energy to fake tolerating him anymore. To follow is a list of actual things he has said to me:

Don�t forget to buy a round trip ticket on BART or else you will be stuck in Oakland. (Gee, thanks, I would probably still be in Oakland if he hadn�t told me that little tidbit).

College degrees are for people who don�t want to work for a living. (Pot calling the kettle black???)

Why would you want to stay married to someone who doesn�t work fulltime? (My ex was fixing his mothers house up so she could sell it and move to California�how selfish). Also a �Pot and Kettle� situation.

I only told everyone you were getting divorced because I thought you would take my advice and just do it. (A full year before I filed for divorce).

I only mentioned your name because he asked. (In regards to my EVIL ex-brother-in-law who would never utter my name much less ask how I was doing).

So, needless to say, I am officially old enough to make the decision that I have enough negativity in my life without outside forces influencing me more

COMPLETELY DIFFERENT TOPIC�

No, I am not slipping into my normal mid-month mini-depression. So don�t worry�no more lists of things I loathe about myself. I promise. I am really happy with my house. It is finally feeling comfortable and �like me.� I like coming home, and don�t mind picking up everything before work. I have a dear friend (no, not my ex) coming for a visit next week and am excited about her seeing it for the first time. It almost makes writing the $2000 mortgage check not hurt so much.

TTFN

Tuesday, Sept. 17, 2002 - 2:01 p.m.

gwyneth paltrow



Your Inner Blonde is Gwyneth Paltrow

Your lame Oscar acceptance speach had us all gagging, but then again,


you do enough gagging for the whole world.


Grow an ass, and than maybe your looks will overshadow your dull personality.



Who's *Your* Inner Dumb Blonde? Click Here to Find Out!

I USED TO BE BLONDE�

Until I was about 12, then my hair darken to a honey color. I am afraid to lighten it because I have a really short attention span and do not want to be stuck with something I don�t like. That is one of the reasons I never got a tattoo. That and the fact that someday, my skin will be loose and hairy and I think that any tattoo would be ruined by that. Yick! TTFN

Monday, Sept. 16, 2002 - 5:09 p.m.


What sea creature are you?

THE TWO WORLDS OF BECKY�

I was thinking today about how no one I �know� outside of Diaryland knows that I write in this journal. I think I would never tell anyone about it, because it would really limit what I say. I can complain about the people in my daily life without worrying that people would know what I wrote. Who knows, people who know me might read this journal and never know it was me. I find it ironic that I used to keep journals that were for me only, and now I religiously check my �stats� to see how many hits I get a day. I wonder how many hits Uncle Bob gets in a single day.

TTFN

Sunday, Sept. 15, 2002 - 7:10 p.m.

What number are you?

Take the quiz here!

Thanks to BEXCA for the above diary quiz. I love being unique and intelligent. It suits me.

A MOMENT OF OPTIMISM

Anyone who knows me know that I am not an optimist. Ever. I had a tire go out on me today. Luckily I was very close to a service station and one of the attendants changed my tire. (I know, I should know how to change it myself--my uncle is going to teach me this on Wednesday night). I went to my aunts house and she said:

You must be having a crappy day having to deal with the tire.

Me: I am having a great day because someone was able to change my tire without me being stuck anywhere.

Neither of us could believe I had said that. I must be hanging around too many perky, positive people.

Sunday, Sept. 15, 2002 - 1:09 p.m.

I SURVIVED SAN FRANCISCO...

and it really was kind of fun pretending to be a tourist. I really enjoyed listening to other peoples conversations. One man complained that San Francisco smelled "too much like fish" and that he could never get used to the stench. (Could it be that you are at FISHermans Wharf and that you are 15 feet from the bay?) One elderly lady kept asking her daughter (?) "Are those people homosexual?" every time she say two men or two women walking and talking together. I can see how people who are not from the area might be in awe of the strange things in SF.

There were a lot of psychics and Tarot Card readers, but they each wanted $40-$60 for a reading, which is outrageous, even for the city. Alcatraz was a lot of fun. Cold and windy, but fun. I could see why people would hate to be there. You can see the city and there really is no way off the island.

TTFN

Friday, Sept. 13, 2002 - 2:00 p.m.

TOMORROW

is my cousins birthday. Twenty-something, not sure. Last year she wanted to go to Alcatraz, but couldn�t because it had been closed down due to the terrorist attacks. So, we are going tomorrow. I hate driving in SF so we are taking the ferry from Vallejo (you know, the prostitution capital of Solano County and the unsafest place in California for pedestrians). It always amazes me that people VACATION in SF. (Of course I am sure if I lived in England I probably would not understand why people vacation in London). I only do �touristy� things when people are visiting.

I used to only go to SF when I HAD to, like for an attorney�s appointment, or for work. I never really went there for fun. When I think of SF I think of traffic, insane taxi drivers, and overpriced toll bridges. At least the weather should be nice. It could be worse, she could want to go to OAKLAND!

MY EVIL EX�

now lives three houses down from a co-worker of mine. I have to deliver something to her and I am really dreading it. I do not want to tell her that I know him, and I do not want to run into him either. You would think that after 7 years I would not care one way or the other, but he still pisses me off. Things were perfect when he was in San Diego, but now he is back in town and pray that I do not run into him (other than with my car). A little background� we started dating in high school, he moved down south for school, we stayed together for just over seven years. I went to visit him on Spring Break only to find out that his �pregnant girlfriend� came back from Mexico early. (She terminated the pregnancy later). I flew back home and that was it. He called for months (even after I had gotten married) but I never spoke to him again. His mother knew about it the whole time. That is who he is living with now. His mother. At the age of 32. As I recall, the last thing he said to me was, �I hope you are happy now that Suzie doesn�t trust me. She thinks I am a slut because she caught me with you.� Excuse me?? I was a total bitch about it though. I called her and told her everything. From the fact that we had been together for seven years to the fact that he said he only kept her around because she cooked and cleaned for free, and knew that we would eventually get back together once he was �done with her.� (All of which was true). Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

TTFN

Thursday, Sept. 12, 2002 - 9:03 p.m.

PEOPLE AT THE POST OFFICE

�are just as nuts as the people from the bank. I had to go the post office this morning, and I EXPECT to stand in line. Why? Because it is the post office. I was sixth in line. There were two clerks working, but one of them was in the back room searching for something there was just one up front. Every time someone would walk by, he would yell �Hey, can�t you send out someone who will actually work for a change?�

Lovely. The woman in front of him was mailing a package. She had it weighed, paid for it, and wanted to get tape to reinforce the corners. Fine, no problem. Until one of her kids cut the box with something. Even though the clerk was now helping someone else:

Woman: I need a new box.

Clerk: Okay, just peel off the postage sticker and I will get you a new box.

W: Isn�t that what my tax dollars pay YOU to do? I was expecting a little help here, not orders from a clerk.

C: Let me finish here and I will get you another box.

W: Look, technically, I was before that person, so just go in the back and get me another box. Then you can peel this sticker off and everything will be fine.

C: Just a moment please.

W: Look, if this is broken you are going to pay for it and I will sue you. I will just tape this box up so that you don�t have to actually do any work.

Off she went. People never cease to amaze me. I understand what a pain it can be to wait in line, but come on, there is no need to be such a nasty wench about it.

Since the bank and the post office are next door to each other, I had the pleasure of the bank as well. There was a woman who insisted on telling her child that everything she touched was not a toy.

Those are mamas keys