Monday, Jun. 10, 2002 - 7:59 p.m.
CONFRONTING GHOSTS FROM THE PAST
I have been moody and emotional the past few days. I think, in large part, to the fact that I am moving and I am forcing myself to relive times and events in my life I have tried not to think about. Little things have been setting me off, and I am not sure what is going on in my brain. Nothing specifc, yet everything in general. I am forcing myself to think about all of the things I wanted to accomplish by the time I was 30, and all of the things on the list that are still undone. I look around and wonder why my marriage fell apart, when so many people have loving husbands and cheat on them anyway. I look around and it seem to me that people do not appreciate what they have.
I know of people who are not sure if their childrens father is their husband, or "someone else" yet they are still married and have someone to come home to who loves them and cares about them. I could not come home for three days, and the only ones who would notice would be the cats. Why can some people move on so quickly, while I am not sure if I am ready to move on at all. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Why do some people fall in love and stay in love for fifty years, while others spend their entire lives looking for someone to love them for any amount of time? Why do I feel it necessary to define myself by who does and does not love me?
Why do people fall out of love? How can you just wake up one day and have everything be "over?"
TTFN
Saturday, Jun. 08, 2002 - 3:26 p.m.
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You're a hardworking individual enshrouded by an overwhelming sense of mystery, beauty, and intrigue. Though always on the go, you keep focused, helping - often rapturing - those you meet.
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At least it is not Courtney Love again, however I am sure that if she had been in the movie I would have been her again!
OLD CD's
One of the benefits of moving is finding CD's and movies I forgot I had. I am listening to Pearl Jam's TEN right now. The first time I saw them live was when they toured with the Red Hot Chili Peppers and Nirvana. I saw them New Years Eve 1991. PJ was such a great bank live that I bought the CD. It was their only "fabulous" album (IMHO). I haven't listened to it in at least five years. I found it at the bottom of my hallway closet. I used to buy CD's all the time, but haven't in quite a while. I think it is because I am never in one spot long enough to listen to a CD and do not have a player in my car. Besides, with internet radio, I don't really need to buy CD's anymore.
BACK ON THE CAFFEINE WAGON
I went to Burger King for a Veggie Burger and drank the soda that came with it. I think I have my addiction under control though. One a day is much better than the ten a day I used to drink. Knowing my personality, I will be fully back on the wagon by noon tomorrow.
NO DATE FOR BECKY
I am just too busy. Strange but true. I could have gone out three times this past week, but am too busy. I really need to sit down and figure out what I want right now, and whether I only want things because I do not have them (i.e. a relationship). I tend to only want things that are unobtainable, because I set impossible standards for myself. I thrive off of failure, so I try to set myself up for failure.
TTFN (a.k.a. Ta-Ta-For-Now)
PART 2
JUDGE JUDY
I was watching Judge Judy and the case was about a five year old boy that killed the neighbors puppy by putting it in a cooler and putting a rock on the lid until it suffocating it. The parents of the boy were upset because PETA sent them a letter advising them that kids who hurt and kill animals have a tendency to hurt and kill adults. The parents wanted a retraction. This bothered me. I was a psych major and know this to be true. Serial killers usually have a history of animal abuse in their childhood. Parents need to not to be in denial about things like this. People tend to assume the worst about PETA, but they do get things done. I have been called a terrorist because of my support of PETA, but they have some of the best vegitarian recipies around!
9/11 ANNIVERSARY
I am really dreading it. I do not know why I am thinking about it now, but for some reason it has been on my mind lately. It seems like it was only yesterday, yet it also seems like it was a lifetime ago. So much has changed, yet things seem to be the same. Or maybe I am adjusting to the "new lifestyle" and accepting things as they will become. Who knows. I really don't know how we are going to acknowledge the dreaded anniversary. It isn't a holiday, and it isn't a good thing, but I know we will do SOMETHING. I wonder what people did on the one year anniversary of Pearl Harbor.
PART 3
I think I am coming to terms with my packratism. I think I am afraid of letting go of the past. I feel the need to cling to reminders of people and places past. I am a HUGE postcard collector. Everywhere I go, or anywhere anyone I know goes, I want a postcard. I started this as a kid. I literally have a thousand postcards from England / London. Everytime I go thre, I have to pick up a few hundred more. Why? Who knows. I know I have been there, why do I feel the need to buy postcards to prove it? I also have saved every birthday and holiday card that I have ever received. This is what was been cluttering my back bedroom for six years. Momentos of a life no longer. I found another copy of my divorce papers mixed in with my wedding pictures, as if one would cancel out the other. I think I am still in divorce denial all of these years later.
I am usually very good at endign relationships, I put all of the momentos in a box and never think of them again. This time, I can't. I think I have not wanted to clean out the boxes of things because I am afraid to confront the memories that may be within them. All it takes is to find a movie stub from a movie we went to, and it will remind me of a time when my marriage was a good one, and when I had no idea it would someday end. I am still keeping them, as a reminder that someone, at sometime, vowed to God, me, and the state of California that he would love me forever. Unfortunately, he didn't. At least not in the way I thought he would. TTFN
OKINAWA
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