Monday, Apr. 29, 2002 - 5:05 p.m.
No update from work today. Too much going on again. Some days are busier than others, and Mondays are often very hectic, so I had to wait until I got home to update. I am still moody. Weepy and angry at times. I have no idea why. I think I really need to evaluate things. I used to have set goals and I always had a �five year plan.� I seem to have really lost focus in the past year. I am not sure why. I continue to make bad decisions, knowing that they are bad, yet still continuing to make them. I have lost the �rejuvenation� that I felt when I came back from vacation. I am back where I started from. I think that little �innocent� comments that people say to me are beginning to get to me. For example, someone I know casually asked me about my Dad. I told her that I had not talked to him for at least six years, and did not know much about him anymore. She looked shocked, and I did not know what to say. I still don�t know what to say. She looked at me as though to think �what kind of person doesn�t talk to a parent for over half a decade?� A person like me I guess. I wish I had a relationship with him, but I just can�t. When he drinks, he lies, and he hates when I catch him lying. We simply do not get along anymore. I have always believed that if someone hurts you, you should not feel obligated to have that person in your life simply because they are biologically related to you. Believe me, it was not an easy decision to make, but it was one that I had to make at the time I made it. Although I am not happy about the decision, it was a decision that had to be made. If that makes me a bad person, so be it--I must be a bad person. I think this is one of the big reasons that I have no faith in men and relationships. I am too afraid of being hurt to trust anyone enough to let myself be vulnerable. I know this. I have always known this. I think one of my big problems with Date Man is that he used to hit on me when I was a teenager and he was in his 30�s. This makes me really not want to trust him. What kind of man in his 30�s would hit on a junior in high school. Granted that was a long time ago, but it is still something that bothers me. That and the fact that he can�t take �no� for an answer. This is somewhat disrespectful to me, because he is not taking what I want into consideration. I have the right not to go out with him, and I have the right to not have to screen my phone calls because he does not want to leave me alone. I am struggling because the summer is �baby and wedding� season and I feel left out of it all. I know this may be difficult to understand, but I feel as though I have nothing to look forward to, and have no prospects that I am interested in. While watching a talk show this afternoon they were testing men to see who was the father of the female guests babies. They were testing five and six different men. This is so sad to me. I wonder why these women are able to find five or six men to be sleeping with in a months time, and why I can�t find even one man that I am attracted to enough to want to be with, much less five or six. I am tired of the bar and club scene. Primarily because if I meet someone in a bar or club, then I will have to expect that they hang out in bars and clubs for entertainment. You can�t get upset for someone who acts the same way during a relationship that they acted before the relationship. (For example, if someone smokes while you are dating, you can�t be upset that they smoke after you get married.) I am sick of living in this apartment, I am sick of not having the interest write-off on my taxes that I would have if I owned a home. I am sick of meeting me who have only their needs in mind. I am sick of dealing with people who only care about how the end result effects them. I am tired of �fair weather� friends who have no interest in friendships unless they need something. I am sick of being sad and weepy over little things. I wish I could wake up happy and looking forward to the day. I feel as though there are times that I wish I did not have to leave the house. I am sick of being tired and not sleeping well. I am tired of having people who think they are smarter than me, lie to me because they think they can get away with it. I wish I did not feel the need to starve myself so that I will become someone else�s �ideal� size. I just wonder what I will do when I can no longer blame my weight for being single. Sorry for the ranting vent session. I do feel a little better. TTFN
OKINAWA
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