Tuesday, Apr. 09, 2002 - 10:49 p.m.
I read Joanna (Joeypea)'s diary and she came up with a great idea--inspired by a great movie HIGH FIDELITY. To make up for my somber "Top Ten List" of negativity from the other day, I am going to try a more positive group of lists. Okay, here is my attempt to be more positive and upbeat: Top Five Albums
(1) Sparkle and Fade -- Everclear
(2) Mother�s Milk -- Red Hot Chili Peppers
(3) Duran Duran --Duran Duran
(4) I Am Sam Soundtrack -- Various Artisis
(5) Jagged Little Pill -- Alanis Morrisette
Top 5 Jobs
(1) Anything Forensic
(2) Archaeologist / Egyptologist
(3) Jack the Ripper Tour Guide
(4) Ghost Hunter
(5) Actress
5 Songs in WinAmp Right Now
(1) The First Three Songs -- on Pink�s album Mizunderstood
(2) Ghost Town-- Cat Stevens
(3) Union of the Snake -- Duran Duran
(4) In My Life -- The Beatles
(5) Red Rubber Ball -- Simon and Garfunkle version
Top 5 Things I Like About Me
(1) I am a vegan
(2) I am smart
(3) I am creative
(4) I am a devoted and loving friend
(5) I am funny
What I am adding:
Top 5 Accomplishments
(1) I have an A.A. (Foreign Languages), a B.A. (Psychology), a M.A. (Organizational
Psychology) and a Ph.D. (ABD) (Org. Psych)
(2) I was the fastest promotion in my company history
(3) My portrait is on the cover of an art book
(4) I have always graduated with honors
(5) I once worked my way up from Administrative Assistant to Regional Manager in three weeks
Top 5 Vacation Spots
(1) London, England
(2) Paris, France
(3) Maui, Hawaii
(4) Japan
(5) Any haunted bed and breakfast EACH DAY A NEW BEGINNING
Today was actually a good day. I feel better than I have in a while. I have pretty much finished my taxes, and I am going away for a few days beginning on Friday. I noticed myself smiling for no reason this evening. I tried to make note of what was making me �happy� and it wasn�t too much.
1) I am done working for the day
2) One of my cats was being really snuggly and purring loudly while laying down next to me
3) FBI Files is on TV (I love that show)
4) People commented on my weight loss today
Simple things that, when combined, for some reason makes me happy. I really enjoyed the snuggly cat, primarily because he is warm, and loves me unconditionally, and was happy at the fact that I was there. These are the things that I need to focus on.
I also had a long chat today with IM man, and I may change my mind about going out with him. Why not give him a chance. We have generally gotten along well, and have similar backgrounds and interests. It is nice that we both work and travel a lot, because it is difficult to be with someone who is a strict (8-5) and expects a set amount of time to be able to spend time with you. I need a fresh start. I need to give people a chance and make decisions based on their actions and behaviors, and not assume that all men will act and respond the same way. Change is scary, but without it we can not progress as people.
I think I hate �couples� because I am not one, and when I am in one, I tend to want to know that all couples have problems, and that no one is as happy as they pretend to be. Maybe people stay married for 50 years because they managed to find someone they wanted to spend 50 years with. Maybe it isn�t a miracle. Maybe it isn�t people who are unhappy who didn�t do anything about it.
I have to remind myself that I met the love of my life during the worst time of my life. The last thing I wanted was to fall in love again, and yet I did. Maybe I can�t see what is best for me because it is right there in front of me.
I am not going to let �date man� prevent me from doing anything. I am going to the event and not care if he is there. If he needs me to tell him in person that I am not interested in him, so be it. I can do that. I can be mature and nice about it, but it takes two to make a scene, and I can always just walk away.
I have lost sight of who I am. Not who I was, but who I am. I need to stop identifying myself as lacking because I am divorced. Some things truly are beyond out control. Sometimes people leave, even if they do not know why. I am finally beginning to accept that I can only control my actions, and not the thoughts and actions of others. I need a new definition of who and what I am. The strong and confident me is still here, I am not just quite sure exactly where. I need to focus on healing myself, and not be concerned with anyone else.
For the first time in a long time I am looking toward the future.
TTFN
OKINAWA
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