Friday, Apr. 05, 2002 - 7:53 p.m.
Woo hoo! Saturday--nothing better than a Saturday morning without appointments and the whole weekend in front of me.
MY LOVE LIFE
I IM�d with my �friend� and the first thing he did was complain that I was traveling, and working out of town. I had sent him a message last night and he did not acknowledge it, and so I figured he was just being flakey. He told me that he had left his laptop at work with his internet account on. Fine, whatever--old patterns forming I can see. He did not mention getting together this weekend, and I was supposed to be gone until tonight, but came home early. Maybe I should just quite while I am ahead.
TAXES
Nope, I haven�t even started them yet. I still have another day and half to procrastinate! I would be a terrible accountant. (Although this time of year they make a fortune!)
NEIGHBORHOOD VANDALS
Apparently the threat to �talk to his father� has had an effect on the �alleged idiot vandal� because things have been very quite here in �the �hood.� Either that, or the weather at night has been too cold for them to stand around all night being hoodlums. We shall see what happens when the weather warms up. At least if it rains tonight I know we will all be safe.
EVERYTHING ELSE
On FRIENDS tonight Chandler was talking about dying alone. That is actually my biggest fear in life. Dying alone. Heights -- no problem; Snakes--no problem; Spiders--no problem; Public speaking--no problem; Dying alone--big problem. I think it is an only child thing.
Ever since I was a kid I thought that I would die (maybe on Memorial Day Weekend) in a car crash on I-80 on the way to Sacramento. It is strange, but true. I always felt that it would be a big wreck and would be on the news, and that I would not be the only one killed. I always thought that it would be raining. To this day I hate driving on I-80 in the rain, and Memorial Day Weekend always makes me nervous.
I wonder how many people think that way. I can�t be the only one. It is like in college when they try and teach you that there is no such things as �original thought.� All thoughts and experiences have happened before and that there is nothing original left in the world. I can�t see how that is true. There has to be something left that has not yet been thought or experienced. (Of course I struggled with the concept of the �Allegory of the Cave.�)
SELF DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOUR
I need to make a list of positive things to remind myself not to be so upset all the time. Although I did get some good news today, I still got upset about someone who flaked on an appointment. I am beginning to think that I am Bi-polar and not just depressed. It is just my luck that I would be an �angry manic� and not a �happy manic� type person. My Dad is bi-polar, so I would not be surprised.
I am in a relatively good mood now though. Moment by moment, mood swing by mood swing. I always wanted to be the �happy, chirpy� girl in school, but had to settle for being the moody genius.
I have been reading the online journals of younger people (alright, I admit it--teenagers), and I can remember how difficult it was when I was in high school. I was never happy and depressed, I just didn�t know it. I always hated it when people blamed it on the fact that I was a teenager and was going through puberty. Finally people are starting to realize that depression is real and can happen at any time.
BEING PICKED UP ON WHILE ON THE FREEWAY
I saw a man today holding up a sign (out of his window) with his phone number on it �looking for a nice, single lady.� I wonder how many women actually call him. Only in California. I guess it takes all types.
I have been reading the online personals again. I have no idea why. I think it is funny to see descriptions like �The nice guy you have always been looking for� and �Teddy Bear on the inside� and things like that. What I need is one that says--I will be everything you ever dreamed for the first few months, then I will break your heart.� I would fall for him in a heartbeat. I did see an ad once that said something like �Couch potato seeks same. Must like takeout and movies and staying in PJ�s all weekend. Must have no problem with my underachieving, low paying job. Am willing to share remote.� I thought that was funny. (Although the 65 SWM seeks 19-27 SF ads also make me laugh).
I guess I shouldn�t mock it until I try it. I would just hate to tell people that we met through an ad or on the internet. I would have to say something respectable like �we met in a bar.�
OKINAWA
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